It happened this morning, and I knew as soon as I did it, but I just couldn't seem to stop myself. I seem to have the most trouble keeping my mouth in check when I am in a frustrated/frazzled/upset state of mind. Which honestly looking back I've kind of been in an "off" state of mind since Monday. Not sure what happened, really nothing happened which could be the problem. Monday I just felt empty, like a massive hole was inside of me. However, Daddy had me insert the plug while at work and it seemed to help! At the very least it turned my Monday around for me.
Still though, even after inserting the plug and then later taking it out, there is something off. A dark cloud, not looming over me, but behind me and creeping closer. Since Monday I've been treading, looking back I can see it, and he could see it at the time. He kept making small checks to remind me of who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. Which helped again, but it didn't feed the monster.
This morning while driving to work it was raining, and so of course all of the stupid people were out, and traffic kept stopping. A drive that normally takes me 30 minutes on a bad day took me 60, and it was stressing me out. Of course I was on the phone with Daddy the whole time. When I woke, I had texted him that I needed to stop for gas and then I would call him. He had apparently texted me back asking which gas station, but I hadn't heard my phone buzz and I think by that point I was already at the gas station. So when I got back in my car and called him, he was kind of in a funk because he was going to meet me if it had been one close to him.
Now he is in a funk, and I've got this lingering cloud...not going good anywhere fast right? We start talking, and I'm driving, dealing with stupid drivers. Everything is going fine, until I have to slam on my breaks (and pray that my tires don't lock and I slide into someone or off of the ramp) because every one came to a dead stop for just a moment. The traffic in general wasn't stopped, it was just where every one was merging, and the people around here can not merge to save their life. So, I did want I think most people do, I started yelling. I'll admit I have road rage, not the chase you down honking my horn kind, but the kind where if something I consider dramatic happens I tend to wave my hands and yell, and possibly flip someone off. That's about it, the problem came from me yelling while I was on the phone with him.
He immediately tells me to stop yelling, and stop focusing on them, that I am on the phone with him and I need to focus there. My reaction, "How can I not focus on them? If I don't I'll get into a wreck and possibly die!" Which then led to some back in forth banter in which my voice was raised.....*wasn't there an expectation about my tone and the way I talked....shit*
Finally, I apologize, I don't tend to yell at other drivers often, at least I've slowed down a bunch, but I usually only do it now when I am surprised and have to take some kind of action to avoid hitting them. I guess it is my way of coping with the magnitude of stress involved in near/possible collisions. I've been in a bad bad bad wreck before, and fear getting into another one. So, I yell. I get it out right then and there and I can't seem to prevent myself from doing it, it just happens. When he then responded the way I did, instead of making me feel better, it just triggered that downward spiral...and now...I'm in trouble. He sent me an email saying this:
I've seemed to handle knowing a punishment was coming before this with relative ease, partially through ignorance. However, I've been through enough now to know that I don't want it. I'm kind of scared, butterflies, sick to my stomach thinking about it. I realize I'm in "training", but this feels like the real damn thing to me. We are supposed to meet at the gym tonight, and I don't want to go. At first I was afraid he would try to punish me there when no one was looking, but I'll have my daughter with me and we agreed that the kids don't get to "see" any of this. So, I think I'm relatively safe from it tonight, but come Saturday.....Baby girl, I sent you a txt stating that I apologize for getting upset on how you express yourself and I don't mind you expressing yourself, however its that one way that gets under me. So don't get the wrong ideaHaving said that below is Principle rule bullet 2:Baby girl must be honest and respectful , even when she thinks he is in the wrong, she will be respectful in her tone, actions and mannerismsI was wrong and apologized, but this infraction will result in a consequence.
How do others deal with this feeling? Am I the only one that feels like avoidance is the answer, obviously knowing it isn't, but that you want to run away from it? I know at the very least I must answer for my actions, and that I am ok with. My problem is I seem to have a low pain tolerance, and yet there is a deep part of me that enjoys it to an extent. I guess come Saturday I will find out. Until then.....I think I am going to go hide in my cloud.
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