It's been quite a while since I've been here, and a lot has changed in that time. However, I am back and I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. It appears I'll need to be updating a few things as well. Maybe along with my resurgence here I'll update the look of it to.
To go back and explain why there was a year and a half of a disappearance...well honestly it boils down to I flipped and flopped over what it was I "thought" I wanted. I last blogged in October of 2014, and even then I was feeling defiant and not happy. I felt that maybe I wasn't submissive at all because I was constantly undermining and making things try to go my way. I felt like maybe Daddy wasn't up to being in control and that I had to make sure he stayed on track. Basically I didn't give up control and by May of 2015 I told Daddy I wanted to quit. I said I wasn't happy and this wasn't working. He told me then I had to quit turning his world upside down and make up my mind, so we mutually walked away from D/s and decided to just be *kinky* in the bedroom.
I completely turned my back and decided not to look back. I quit reading the blogs I was so engrossed with and we turned into a vanilla couple with a kink. Somethings stayed around, I still served his meals to him, I still referred to him as Daddy, but in all things we were equal. As time went on I started really questioning myself and trying to figure out why I wanted it so bad in the beginning and then was so willing to walk away from it. I started trying to view things differently, because a part of me kept getting drawn back to the D/s world. I slowly started reading blogs again and I dunno how to explain it, but something was pulling me back. I fought with myself for quite awhile trying to figure it all out before ever mentioning it to Daddy. I didn't want to flip flop on him again unless I felt sure...like really sure. While looking back I saw that as much as I wanted to be submissive I didn't trust Daddy enough to be a Dom like I thought he should be. I didn't respect him enough to go at it how he wanted. I wanted him to be what I wanted. Because we were both new, but I brought it up I felt like it was up to me to lead and show him how. Looking back he was doing fine on his own, it just wasn't what I was expecting at the time. So I topped often and in the end tore everything apart.
After realizing the problem was entirely me and that I actually still wanted it I decided to approach Daddy and see what he thought of it. In the meantime of all of this we had actually finally moved in together and our lives were evening out more than they had ever been. I slowly brought it up to him, asking him questions like "Do you miss D/s" "Did you actually like it" etc etc. He admitted that he missed it and that he loved it but didn't say much more than that. So finally I brought it up to him. I admitted my faults and told him everything I realized. We decided to try again, but slower than jumping in and drowning. Daddy's only concern was what if I realize I don't like it again and try to stop...to which I responded "As my Dom you just don't let me do that." He thought that was kind of funny.
It has been slower, but things are definitely getting on track easier this time. Not to say there aren't hiccups, but I find it a lot simpler now to remember my place, even when I want to be in control and defiant. I've also found a new love in maintenance and pain in general. Though I am a wimp, and I can't handle the hard hard stuff yet, I can handle what he doles out to me, and my body responds with great pleasure.
I'm happy to be back, but more so happy that I feel like I've matured enough to handle this on his terms. I give him ideas and let him know something I would like, but I'm content with it being up to him to engage in those things or not. I feel better having a place in our family setting, and as hard as it is to let go of the control I trust that he will be there to take the reigns.
To go back and explain why there was a year and a half of a disappearance...well honestly it boils down to I flipped and flopped over what it was I "thought" I wanted. I last blogged in October of 2014, and even then I was feeling defiant and not happy. I felt that maybe I wasn't submissive at all because I was constantly undermining and making things try to go my way. I felt like maybe Daddy wasn't up to being in control and that I had to make sure he stayed on track. Basically I didn't give up control and by May of 2015 I told Daddy I wanted to quit. I said I wasn't happy and this wasn't working. He told me then I had to quit turning his world upside down and make up my mind, so we mutually walked away from D/s and decided to just be *kinky* in the bedroom.
I completely turned my back and decided not to look back. I quit reading the blogs I was so engrossed with and we turned into a vanilla couple with a kink. Somethings stayed around, I still served his meals to him, I still referred to him as Daddy, but in all things we were equal. As time went on I started really questioning myself and trying to figure out why I wanted it so bad in the beginning and then was so willing to walk away from it. I started trying to view things differently, because a part of me kept getting drawn back to the D/s world. I slowly started reading blogs again and I dunno how to explain it, but something was pulling me back. I fought with myself for quite awhile trying to figure it all out before ever mentioning it to Daddy. I didn't want to flip flop on him again unless I felt sure...like really sure. While looking back I saw that as much as I wanted to be submissive I didn't trust Daddy enough to be a Dom like I thought he should be. I didn't respect him enough to go at it how he wanted. I wanted him to be what I wanted. Because we were both new, but I brought it up I felt like it was up to me to lead and show him how. Looking back he was doing fine on his own, it just wasn't what I was expecting at the time. So I topped often and in the end tore everything apart.
After realizing the problem was entirely me and that I actually still wanted it I decided to approach Daddy and see what he thought of it. In the meantime of all of this we had actually finally moved in together and our lives were evening out more than they had ever been. I slowly brought it up to him, asking him questions like "Do you miss D/s" "Did you actually like it" etc etc. He admitted that he missed it and that he loved it but didn't say much more than that. So finally I brought it up to him. I admitted my faults and told him everything I realized. We decided to try again, but slower than jumping in and drowning. Daddy's only concern was what if I realize I don't like it again and try to stop...to which I responded "As my Dom you just don't let me do that." He thought that was kind of funny.
It has been slower, but things are definitely getting on track easier this time. Not to say there aren't hiccups, but I find it a lot simpler now to remember my place, even when I want to be in control and defiant. I've also found a new love in maintenance and pain in general. Though I am a wimp, and I can't handle the hard hard stuff yet, I can handle what he doles out to me, and my body responds with great pleasure.
I'm happy to be back, but more so happy that I feel like I've matured enough to handle this on his terms. I give him ideas and let him know something I would like, but I'm content with it being up to him to engage in those things or not. I feel better having a place in our family setting, and as hard as it is to let go of the control I trust that he will be there to take the reigns.
