The Magic Switch?

   Daddy took my daughter and I to St. Louis over the weekend. It was wonderful! We all had so much fun and he managed to pull it all off beautifully. We left early Friday morning and made it to St. Louis a little after one. Daddy had a business meeting at two, so we got into our room where my daughter and I just relaxed on the bed and watched tv.

   Once he was back we got ready and we headed for downtown. I wanted to take my daughter to see the arch, and even though she is 3 she loved it. Daddy had never been inside the arch, so I treated us all and bought the tickets to go up. It was a beautiful day with only 20% chance of rain which from 630 feet in the air you could get a good idea where that 20% was at. We took loads of pictures and just enjoyed our time looking out over the beautiful city. 

   When we got back down and started walking back to the car it started raining on us! Of course we forgot to grab an umbrella so we all got soaked. However, honestly I've never minded the rain, and in fact enjoyed walking in it. I even went so far as to take off my flip flops, partially because my feet were killing me, to walk bare foot through downtown St. Louis getting drench by the rain. Yes I let my inner-hippie out, and I loved it! 

   Daddy wanted to take me to a restaurant that had real German schnitzels because I make chicken schnitzels at home. The restaurant was called Schlafly's, which apparently they make beer as well, and it was delicious. However, I must say they do not have sweet tea. I'm a southern girl and sweet tea is a must! So of course I emptied their bowl of sugar packets into my glasses of tea to get them close to right. God forbid the day I go to New York with Daddy. He is from New York and tells me there is no sweet tea up their either!!! 

   Even though it had been a wonderful day, I was acting off and acting out. I have recently quit smoking (cold turkey) and I was having trouble with my mood. Daddy kept telling me I wasn't addicted because I could go hours or almost a full day without a cig with no problems, but I think I was more addicted than either of us thought. I can't say that I was craving a cig, I was having issues coping with things. Whenever I needed to cope before I would go smoke, and that was for anything; happy, sad, mad, upset, stressed. It didn't matter, a cig was with me. 

   That night Daddy and I took a shower while my daughter cuddled in bed with her cru-cru aka blanket and we talked. He was upset with me and I was upset with myself and I broke down. Literally I sat in the bottom of the shower just crying. Standing over me Daddy placed his foot on my shoulder and pushed me back into the wall. It was different and a part of something we had discussed before flashed through my head. Instead of going into submissive mode (it is a "mode" right?) I went the complete other way. A week or two prior to this Daddy and I had discussed golden showers. I couldn't sit there and say I was opposed to the idea because I had never experienced it, but there is a part of me that is completely on the fence and almost ewww about the idea of it. But, I was that way about a few other things and now I love them. So, I didn't rule it out as a no...just something that would need to be decided after the experience. Daddy admitted he had thought about it, but wasn't sure of my stance so figured he would leave it alone. 

   So here he is standing over me, foot on shoulder, and he starts pulling a little at his cock. I'm still bawling and it dawns on me what he might be leading up to which causes me to think

Now, when I'm breaking down is not the time to piss on me!

So I tell Daddy that now isn't the best time to try that, and of course he gets upset. I'm still trying to control situations instead of letting him handle things. Instead of trusting that he knows best, I'm sidelining things in order for them to go like I think they should. Which of course then makes him question if I really want to do this.

   Is it this hard for others in the beginning? Is it a balancing act or is it literally just stopping? How do you go from complete submissive with your significant other to a mom or a co-worker or anything else for that matter that puts you in a power position, and then right back into sub mode? Is there a special switch inside of myself that I simply haven't found or figured out how to flip?
   I don't know how many times I have said I want this...I truly deeply want this, and I think I need it. But after so long of not having it, and going through everything I've gone through, it is just hard for me to stop doing the things I do. Maybe I just need put in my place more often, instead of being easy on me, I need constant supervision until I have the hang of it. Like a baby learning to walk. I need my hand held until I'm steady enough to let go. I honestly expected this to be easier than what it has been, however it is the one thing that I don't want to give up on. The idea of not having TTWD terrifies me, because now I know what it does for me, and I know deep down that that is exactly what I've needed.
   Today is a new day, and yet again tomorrow another. I can do better. I will do better. Despite the pitfalls and the hardships....I will be Daddy's girl.

                                                               .........................I have to be.....

 

Tolerance

  So I attempted to sleep with the buttplug in again last night, and again I couldn't manage to do it. I woke up about an hour and a half into my sleep with my ass just throbbing non-stop. Maybe sleeping while plugged isn't something my body is ready to accomplish yet. Which is funny, because I've gone almost a full 5 hours with it in my ass during the day without a single problem....who knows. I've also figured out that I can't wear it while I am driving, something about the way I sit makes it feel like my ass is on fire!!!
   I woke this morning and quickly got dressed and brushed my teeth. Daddy was skipping work today to get some errands done before our trip this weekend and I wanted to spend a little time with him. My coworker and I have a code when we are going to be late and potentially doing naughty things...we "let the horses out". No one seems to question that lol.
   Upon arriving at Daddy's house I let the dogs out and made coffee so it would be waiting for him. Then I went into his room in the hopes that I would get to wake up him like I did last time, but he was already awake. He quickly hopped back into bed and we snuggled a little and chatted while he managed to get his eyes more open. I kept giggling because when Daddy first wakes up he's like a lost caveman. His sleepy look could be a confused look, and rather than using words he tends to just grunt answers. I had already stripped naked, and soon I pulled off his boxers to allow his cock some air to breathe.
   I moved down and took him in my mouth getting him nice and slippery with my hand, slowly licking and sucking up and down his shaft. Now he grunted with small satisfaction! Once I got him all wet, I used my hand in unison with my mouth, considering I can't seem to deep throat with out vomiting everywhere this is the best I can give him for now. Plus who wants to be puked on first thing in the morning?
   Daddy soon felt awake enough and he sat up so we could chat a minute more while he stretched. He made note that we hadn't done punishments lately and there was one offense he still needed to punish me for. This put me off, majorly. I wasn't expecting a punishment this morning, and I certainly wasn't in the appropriate head space for it. I stood up and went to get his belt for him....that nasty evil belt. I brought it to the edge of the bed, got down, and unceremoniously handed it to him. He promptly told me to try again, so I re-situated myself took a deep breath and presented the belt to him in a much better way.
   He had me stand up and lay across the bed with ass out. This punishment was for not wearing make-up twice one week, something he obviously feels strongly about. Since I was a tad pressed for time he promised that this would be quick...he failed to mention that quick meant it would be a lot harder!! The next thing I know the belt cuts through the air and lands across my ass hard!!! So hard I instinctively arched up and for a moment I'll admit I refused to lay back down. I finally did, and one more landed across my ass harder than the first. It hurt so bad I was instantly pissed and too pissed off to really cry. So of course I stood up went to the closet and shut myself in the closet in a childish display of defiance.
   Daddy opened the door and took me to the bed and told me it would be quick, and proceeded to rub my ass. A welt had instantly appeared which he was rather fond of and he kept rubbing the edges of it. He asked me if I would forget again, and I said no Daddy I wouldn't. After rubbing and my ass was numb Daddy had me roll to my side and angle my ass toward him. He proceeded to fuck me and it felt wonderful! He was hitting all new areas that he normally doesn't hit. The down side, was it was a hard position to keep going. It also started hurting a little. So we flipped to one of Daddy's most favorite position. Doggy.
   I'm not sure if it was because the previous position was already starting to hurt or what, but doggy style was an extreme mix of pleasure and pain. I cried out it for both reasons and starting cumming repeatedly not sure of which feeling I was feeling more of. Daddy started to cum and in the same process started pounding me even harder. I yelled out more not sure if what I was feeling was more pain or more pleasure, however the orgasm that coursed through me told me either way there was apart of me that was loving it.
   When Daddy pulled out I curled up into a ball because the pain kept coming. I finally pinpointed what was wrong....Daddy fucked me into cramps!!! I'm not sure if that is something to be proud of, but he did seem amused when I told him that I thought he had broken me. Once the pain subsided some we got up and got dressed. I went and made him a cup of coffee to get the rest of his day started and then I left to go to work. All in all, despite my faults, it was a wonderful morning. But....it has brought some thoughts to light.

   I have a low pain tolerance, I knew it, Daddy knew it...everyone knows it. I stub my toe and I can tear up. I don't tend to act like a baby or boohoo with every hurt I seem to cause on myself, but it is very apparent that I don't handle pain well. This scares me because a big part of being a sub is, in the learning process, making mistakes and taking the punishments that go along with that. It is something that was agreed upon and something that I knew I would have to learn to handle. Despite that, I still seem to be unable to lay there, take a punishment, and remain collected. Crying goes along with it, I understand that. However, running away into a closet is not what was expected by either of us. (Although he admitted that after I left he sat there and laughed at it because of how childish I was acting)
   I hope I can learn to handle pain better if I can't seem to build up my tolerance for it. I want to do it for Daddy. I want to make him proud of me. I feel like I fail in a lot of areas...maybe one day. Maybe soon....time will tell I suppose.

Celebrations, Victories, and Lacking Grace

   Friday was the day!!! Daddy and I were going to celebrate our two year anniversary. I didn't have to work that day, so my daughter and I ran some errands while Daddy worked and then ran his own errands. I was told to be at his house at 6pm so we could go eat dinner and then have a full night dedicated to us and play time. I was so excited, but checking the clock repeatedly meant that time was moving slowly!!!
   Finally at 5:30pm I kissed my daughter on the head and told her I would see her tomorrow and to be a good girl while I was gone. I jumped into my car and off I went, sending Daddy a text saying "On my way!!!!" I arrived a little after 6 and was told he was running late, but make myself at home just don't unpack my overnight bag. Don't unpack?? Hrmmmmm, what does Daddy have up his sleeve? Oh boy...what Daddy had up his sleeve!!!
   I go get "dressed" up and apply make up. We were going out after all. He arrives a little after 7 and we head out to drop off his son. We get to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. He ordered my food which I am still getting used to. I can't seem to not say something because the waiter/tress always looks at me like they thing I'm dumb. I know that shouldn't matter, but it's a process and I'm doing better. I drank a green apple martini which was delicious even if it packed a punch!
   After the restaurant Daddy stopped by the liquor store and got some wine, and then got back on the highway. I had already figured out we weren't staying at his house, but he wouldn't tell me where we were going either. After about a 20 minute drive he finally stops at a hotel and tells me to wait in the car and he will come back to get me. Upon his return we get out of the car and grab the rest of the bags and head upstairs to the second floor. Standing outside the door, Daddy has me put my bags down and angles me to where once he opens the door I can see inside. As the door swung open the first sight that greets my eyes are rose petals everywhere! I was wowed, but I have a huge problem with receiving surprises and it isn't that I don't like them...apparently I just never react right. However, I was smiling and walked in and was just taking it all in. It was beautiful. He walked me to the bathroom and showed me the tub which was huge and full of water! Then walked me a little further back and showed me the bed all covered in rose petals with a bouquet and my anniversary present sitting on top of it. I was so overwhelmed and happy. So of course I don't manage to say much besides "wow, thank you daddy, its beautiful" with a few giggles in between.
   He opens up my drink and gets himself one and we just kinda take it all in, and then decide to get into the tub. We spent quite some time just in the tub, not really doing anything but laying on each other and just relaxing. Once we got out, I was order to suck his cock, which I didn't do nearly as well as the other day in the shower. I think having a full stomach and then activating your gag reflex isn't the wisest idea. However, I tried.
   Daddy has been telling me all week that he was taking my ass tonight. He's had me plug quite a few times during the week to stretch me out and "prepare me." Even though I swear my plug isn't even half his size. After sucking his cock it was time to "clean" me out. He had bought and enema and I was going to have to use it. Yikes...and ewwwww...and blah!!! I had never used one before, and the thought of all of "that" going down with me on the toilet while he is a small wall away was mortifying. But, it's what Daddy wanted...so I got on all fours on the floor, laid my face down and stuck my ass up. Daddy inserted the tip of the bottle and gave me an enema, with the instructions to hold it in until I couldn't any more.
   I won't go into details here...it was mortifying and horrible, and I had to do it 3 times total! But thankfully when that was over it was over.
   After that I came back out, cherry red and feeling disgusting honestly. Daddy was sitting on the couch, and I sucked his cock a little more. He transferred to the chair where I was told to mount him sitting backwards. Which then we switched, my head in the chair and ass up Daddy pounded my pussy. Then we went to the bed room.
   We got on the bed and Daddy brought some of his other toys with. Notably his big red plug. The one that's almost as big as he his. As he was fucking my pussy he was slowly trying to insert the red plug...and oh my god it hurt so bad. He managed to get it a little more than halfway before my ass just physically wouldn't take it anymore. So he pulled it back out, and played with me a little bit using his fingers and relaxing me. The next thing I know, more lube is going on my ass, and I feel something that doesn't quite feel like a plug. He tells me to watch him in the mirror, so I look up and he's towering above me, looking fierce, and tells me that he is going to take my ass.
   He pushes slowly, trying to let my ass accommodate his huge member. I'm not sure how far in he was, but I was in panic mode, and trying to tell him to stop. He just shushed me and calmed me down while still ever so slowly pushing into me. Suddenly he says "I'm in baby, I am in your ass!" and he is sliding in and out of me. He didn't "fuck" my ass, he took it easy on me. Trying to let me get used to it. Honestly I handled it horribly. The fullness just made me feel like I was about to go booboo all over him, and I couldn't tell my body that it wasn't that it was just how big Daddy was. He pulled out a couple of times to try to allow me to recompose myself. All in all he was being very understanding. The wonderful thing is each time he pulled out and went back in, he no longer hurt, it just felt like I was full to busting.
   He started going a little faster, and I was doing my best to just relax and take it....failing I might add, but I was trying. Then I hear his say something that still brings me to a smile...it's the way he said it, like magic was happening and he was left in awesome wonder..."I'm going to cum in your ass baby....I'm going to cum in your ass." And cum he did! Slowly, cumming, moving inside my ass as deep as he could go, not thrusting, but allowing his cock to fill my ass with all of his juices.
   I think back on it, and I become horny as hell....and honestly I want to try it again. Is that how I handled that moment? Hell no.
   As soon as he was done cumming, still inside of my ass, I'm laying on the bed, almost in tears, begging him to please let me go use the bathroom. I was SO sure that I was about to "release" and terrified to do it in front of him or worse ON him! He just kind of chuckled, pulled out, and said "go". I scrambled, damn near fell off the bed, and flew to the bathroom...to sit down...and have nothing happen.
   I suppose the more I get used to it...the better I will handle it, and I be able to decipher the pleasure of being fucked in the ass as opposed to focusing on potentially covering Daddy in that yucky stuff. Once I came back out of the bathroom, we cuddled under the covers and talked. Daddy said he was proud that I was able to give him my ass, and that I was now completely his. Him saying that made me feel so safe and content, and dumb for not letting my fears go and know he had everything handled. Lesson learned...again.
   It was a beautiful night, and one that I cherish so much. I can't wait for our next night together! Until then, the memory of it all will have to suffice!

2 Years and Counting

   Sunday, June 8, 2014 marked Daddy and I's two year anniversary! Mind you we've only been doing TTWD for about a month or so now, we had almost two years worth of a kinky vanilla relationship already down. Two years....I'm still amazed. I love the fact that despite the rough patches and differences we are still right here together, and adapting and changing together to suit each other. My love for him has grown immensely and I can honestly attribute it to allowing myself to open up to him even more. Thank you BDSM!    Before we started this journey, I had many times found myself holding myself back from Daddy. Fear of being hurt, of loving someone more than they loved me, of being fooled again, of being used (in a bad way), and of being misunderstood kept me at bay from truly opening up and giving myself to him. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I have always been my best defense, and after my last relationship I didn't want to ever let anyone hold that power over me again. Kinda funny that now I give him all the power over me, eh? Irony folks....I live in irony.
   Something about being his sub, of being His, allows me to drop my fears...maybe because it literally makes me face them. All I know is that I feel more free, more attached, and more in love with him now than I ever have with anyone, and it's refreshing.

   Saturday (June 7th) my daughter and I went to his house to spend the day with Daddy and his son. It was a lovely day spent together. I can't say we did anything exciting, we worked really. Daddy had some yard work that needed tending to, and I went outside to help him. I sprayed all the weeds with weed killer while Daddy mowed and weeded. Then I helped him with some of the bushes and we got all nice and sweaty dirty. (yuck!!!!) After all that was done we went inside and I immediately went to the shower. I honestly can not stand being hot and sweaty. My daughter and his son were in the living room watching tv and relaxing, so Daddy came back with me.
   It was the first time in what felt like forever for us to have a shower together!! Yay! I got the water ready while Daddy was piddling around. I know he tends to like me to get in a little before him since I require a lot more time in a shower than he does. So I stripped out of my nasty clothes and jumped in to start washing my hair. Soon I felt Daddy slide in behind me and he started running his hands over my back. I finished washing my hair and grabbed the body soap and quickly washed myself off. Then Daddy started trying to wash himself! I was mad, this was my job! So I started washing his hair and slightly massaging his neck. He melted for me, and I could see him relax. Soon I grabbed my loofa back and started washing him as well, running the loofa over him followed by my hand.
   I love washing Daddy, it seems almost like a beautiful ritual. Especially when I get to his cock. Daddy is uncircumcised! This requires more attention to detail than circumcised men, and I enjoy pulling back the skin and making sure I got into each and every crevice with my hands. He enjoyed it to because he became instantly hard. I felt myself smile as his breath quickened a little and I knew he was liking being washed by me. Soon I ran my other had down and found his balls and washed them gently as well.
   After getting him washed I started directing the water and rinsing him, his cock as hard as ever. We switched positions to where his back was against the wall and my back was getting hit by water, and I had a moment of hesitation. I wanted to suck his cock, I wanted it in my mouth, I wanted him owning me, any part of me, but I wasn't sure if I had permission. To make my hesitation stronger, there was a vibe going in the shower, and I knew if I stopped and asked I would ruin it. So I went with my gut and just got down on my knees, which hooray for me!! was the right choice!!!
   I grabbed his cock and started sucking it, using my hands and my mouth trying to do it better than last time. I was told to research how to give good blow jobs. After reading and watching I don't know how many different things, I've come to the conclusion that my problem isn't not knowing what to do, it's not wanting to choke, vomit, or spit. However, this time I wanted Daddy to feel really good, and I wanted to prove that I did what he asked. So I spit often, I licked up and down his shaft focusing on the sensitive areas with the tip of my tongue, I went under and sucked and licked his balls while pleasuring him with my hand, I did all I could think of to not be near as prudish as I had always been.
   Daddy of course reacted in many positive ways. I think the true test of everything was him grabbing my hair while his cock was in my mouth and fucking my mouth. Even though I still have a huge gag reflex he did it anyway, shoving it in as far as it could go until I could breathe anymore. Gagging often and vomiting a few times (luckily we were in the shower!!) he kept going. He'd pull out long enough for me to spit whatever was in my mouth out and his was right back in pushing as far as he could. It was dirty, but it was hot, and I could tell he was loving it.....and in some weird way I was to.
   At one point of him doing this, and me not being allowed to breathe thanks to his cock taking up all the room in my throat I started gasping and could catch my breath after he pulled out again. He picked me up off the shower floor and rinsed me off, turned me around and laid me against him. Once I started breathing a bit better he massaged my head, and then stuck my face in the water. After that I went back down, but I'll admit some of the momentum was gone, and the water had started to get cold!
   We got out of the shower and dried off and went directly to the bed. Daddy has been trying to teach me to hold back my orgasms until he says I can, so he is delighting in "testing" me. He played with me using his fingers and I could handle that ok....then he started eating me out and oh my god that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I think knowing I'm not allowed to cum made me want to cum so much more. That edge is a very fine line and without proper head control your body will jump over that line without a second thought. I somehow managed, but it involved a "Daddy, stop stop stop stop stop" other wise I wouldn't have made it.
   He of course thought it was funny and giggled, but told me I did good and he was impressed. Then he shoved his cock inside of me and I instantly needed to know if I could cum....there would be no holding this back and I was trying. He granted me permission and I came all over his cock a few times before we switched positions and I presented myself to him with ass in the air. He pounded me hard, but not hard enough to hurt. With two kids in the house and thin walls noise has to be kept to a minimum. Soon he came....and came....and came.... He apparently had a lot of build up! I was leaking him out until the next day!! It's a lovely feeling to be sitting there and suddenly feel a glob of cum slide out you staining your underwear with a sticky love blob.

   Tomorrow night I am spending the night with Daddy, and we are going to celebrate being together for 2 years. I know he is going to try to fuck me in the ass. I am both excited and terrified. I hope I can do it....I want him to be able to have and use all of me! Wish me luck!

Rough Patches

   I have been going through a few rough patches this last two weeks. Daddy has been understanding, but in a sense went through the with me. I had started feeling...how should I say...different, not my usual self, and decided to take a pregnancy test. You see, I have a Mirena, so technically I shouldn't have a "scare", but once you think something you have to know for sure. And god forbid, don't google about it, you will convince yourself of every living horror there could be.....so of course that's exactly what I did! Thus believing I was potentially with child, I made a doctor's appointment, and proceeded to ponder what the hell would happen if I was.
   Telling Daddy about it kind of created an internal battle within myself, more so than what I was already having. I know neither one of us are currently in a good position to bring any more kids into the world. However, I love babies and kids and I sooooooooo desperately want another one. So I was conflicted with this odd joy at the prospect, fear at the prospect (because a lot can go wrong with a Mirena inside of you if you get pregnant considering that it's supposed to "prevent" that from happening), and a slight anger at the prospect. So needless to say, I hopped onto the emotional roller coaster and took a few spins around the track, all the while leaving Daddy walking on eggshells.
   I wanted Daddy's honesty, yet honestly it upset me. He of course was the voice of reason:

We are in no position right now.

Think about your schooling? How would you do it then?

What about your career? All of your goals you want to accomplish before having another one?

   There was more, but that is the jist. However, I wasn't satisfied with that answer and instead of being submissive to his reasons, I wanted him to part-take in my "what-if" scenario. Which reluctantly he finally did.

What if I am? What is the next step?

I don't know...probably abortion.

   And right there I honestly felt disgusted, my heart dropped, and I wanted to cry. However, I knew I pried this out of him, and I knew that that was what he was gonna say. So how would it be fair of me to react negatively? I did my best to remain composed and not actually take it out on him. He could tell I was put off, and so he backed off a little from me.

   The week went on with me going through these odd ups and downs. I cried in Daddy's arms a few times, without really ever having a reason as to why. I just couldn't help it, I was stuck in a black hole of sorts. But Daddy was there, and he held me, and he listened to me ramble.
   I went to the doctors appointment and Daddy ended up showing up there and surprising me. It felt so good to have him there with me. It was sweet of him to take the time out of his day, and actually rushing because he had been out of town at a job site, to make sure he made it there to be with me. Also, he is extremely uncomfortable going to someone else's doctor's appointments, as he sees them as very private affairs. So the fact that he put that aside, and rushed to me, to be there with me no matter what was amazing. We sat in the waiting room and I just sniffed him, I love the way he smells.
   I'd like to think it all came back negative. They did a urine test which was negative, and just to make sure they took some blood as well. I was told that if the results were positive I would receive a phone call, and if it was negative I would get a letter. I haven't received either yet so that's basically gotta mean "You're a hypochondriac stop freaking" right? : p
   Honestly, I'm not sure what was going on with me, if my body was just going through some weird change like female bodies normally do or what, but I came to the conclusion that I no longer thought that I was pregnant. I was just frightened by signs and possibilities and then fixated on them to an extreme that I shouldn't have. My problem is I err on the side of caution...even when I shouldn't.
 
   Thanks to this emotional rough patch, Daddy kind of backed off of "Dom" mode, and I became testier. I still did a lot of the routine things, however I had more of a smart mouth. Something I know I will be paying for soon.
   Besides that the last few day's have been Daddy and I getting back into the swing of it.....there is other things I must get out...but they deserve a post all their own ;)