Up To Date

   Not much has been happening the the world of Daddy and I as of late. Honestly it has been more vanilla than anything else recently. However, giving the benefit of the doubt life has been....demanding.
   Daddy had his son, I always have my daughter, his son's birthday came, and so did a visit from Daddy's brother, a party was planned and happened....not much time for our other side of life. Sometimes I feel like we lead two separate lives. The side that is normal to average society, and then behind closed doors the D/s life. Problem is we don't often get those moments for closed doors. Is it normal to try to keep the two so separate? Would there truly be a drastic change in the dynamic if we lived together? I would like to think so....but sadly I am not fortune teller.
   Despite all of that, I have not wavered in my want of Daddy as my Dom. As I also hope that he still feels the same. I know he is easily frustrated, wanting to move farther along our path and yet seems to constantly hit some sort of road block. I've come to accept this as life which as it turns out he doesn't always feel the same. Surprise! We work through it though, I suppose that is what counts.
   The plug has come back recently. Actually, I'm currently wearing it now, sitting at my desk, my ass throbbing from trying to get used to this again. This is the second time this week it has been inserted, and I can say my ass was like a virgin all over again. It hurt so bad good when I put it in, and yet it feels very melancholy. The plug has always been used as an extension of him, when he isn't around and tells me to put it in it is his own way of reminding me from afar that he still has that control. And as much as I love it, despite the pain, it also brings on a bit of a lonesome feeling. Eh...maybe I'm just in a mood.
   Any way..... I suppose I felt the need to write that we are still here, still doing what it is we do, still trying to make it better. Some days are breakthroughs, others are set backs, but we are still on the ride. Cresting the tops, and holding on for dear life through the falls. As usual, it's always worth it :)

Something More, Something Less, Something in Between

   It has occurred to me that Daddy is right.....duh! Of course he is, he is about most everything. In an older post (Babble) I go on and on about how Daddy wants me to blog more even if I don't believe there is something to blog about. I was stuck under the impression that this is my blog strictly dedicated to D/s. Meaning if there hasn't been anything going on that I could relate to D/s then it doesn't belong here. Why? I'm truly not so sure. Maybe I can blame it on my need to have certain things in my life in a row. I'm a hodgepodge of many things, both organized and mass chaos. I suppose I viewed this as my one place just for things related to D/s. However, I had a moment of clarity for however long it lasts. I am apart of D/s, I am apart of ttwd with Daddy. Meaning that the majority of my life, thoughts that I have, or the insignificant actions going on around me is still in a sense apart of this lifestyle. My D/s isn't separated, its integrated.
   There has been small things here and there that has happened, a wonderful night a week ago, a quickie yesterday, being reminded in small ways of my place, however I haven't felt the need to write about it. Those moments felt like they were just mine to hold. Today however I just need to write in general. Not truly just about ttwd, but just me as apart of it.
   I'm starting to believe I own a stronger will than I ever thought I did. A need to feel heard and understood has been like a fire in my veins. I don't necessarily need to feel like I am right, but just that I am heard. I simply take comfort in knowing that I am heard, that the things I say even if they aren't right, aren't ignored.
   My patience isn't what I thought it was. I used to pride myself on being a slightly patient person, no where near perfect, but I had the ability to let my impatience and frustrations roll off of me quickly. I would snap, and then I would basically tell myself to get over it apologizing to whoever felt my momentary wrath. That has diminished a bit. It takes me a little longer to let go of the emotions, and because of that I become angrier because I am mad at myself.
   Handling stress is a weak point for me. I can handle the relative day to day stress, however if anything is added to that I become a huge confusing mess. This only seems to be a problem while I am in school, and before the school year starts I await the moment it comes. I told Daddy to prepare for it as well, because we all knew it was coming, it seemed inevitable. And yes, it came, and is still here actually.
   I both need and despise routine. I need a routine, day to day, in and out, this is what has to happen. I hate that. I hate that I need it, and I hate that I can't seem to be productive without it. I always had thoughts in my head that at any moment I could decide to do something and I would have the ability to do it. Yet, when it comes to those moments I am consumed with stress leaving me unable to enjoy the spontaneity of it. I need plans, I need patterns.
   Also adding new routines to my existing routines is like running repeatedly into a brick wall until I find away to balance it....and grab a sledgehammer. I think that was one of my biggest issues when starting ttwd with Daddy. Suddenly there were new expectations and rules that I needed to incorporate into my existing life, it was and is still difficult at times. Things like making Daddy's plate was hard to remember to do in the beginning, however now that has become like second nature. However other things like wearing make-up twice a week or saying thank you within an expected time limit are harder for me to remember, they haven't been incorporated as easily.
   I live with a constant never ending disgust with myself. Mostly image. I can't stand the way I look. I am over weight, and as much as I hate it, I honestly do little to nothing to change it. Daddy wants me to be healthier, meaning lose the excess weight you know...the weight that kills people, and eat better. It is a good rule for me to have, yet I do nothing about it. I'm truly not sure why either. I'll admit I'm not the nicest person in the gym, partially because I feel stupid, I look horrible, I can't stand being hot, blah blah blah. I'm whining now sorry. Mostly I think I'm just defeated. I get motivation to change myself, and it's like a fire when it comes!! I declare that THIS time it's gonna be it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna change my life, I'm gonna look and be better. And I go to the gym, and I pound it out, I watch what I eat, and soon I find myself back to why even bother. I blame time restraint as one reason why it's so hard for me. Between work, school, my daughter, and Daddy, I feel like I am spread thin. I feel like dedicating myself 3-4 times a week to the gym takes to much out of me and it's expensive as hell. So I start believing in "one day." The magical "one day" when everything lines up and it just all works out. And then I just stop. I'm pretty sure Daddy doesn't believe in me anymore either.
 
   I find talking and explaining myself one of the hardest things to do. In fact it usually just results in tears, and me not knowing why I feel the way I do. I am a mess. Sometimes I think I need help, but I've been down that road and I can't say it helped me in any way except to know how to appear like everything is fine. I was taught what a good mask looks like, and I beautified mine.
   All in all I'm not actually in a mood while writing this, it sounds kinda depressing after rereading it. However, I think I just truly needed to babble.

4 Days 3 Nights

   Daddy and I went on a work/vacation! He had needed to go to Salt Lake, UT for a meeting and asked me if I wanted to go with him. Of course I wanted to and arrangements were made for my daughter to be taken care of while I went. Since I had never been to Salt Lake before Daddy decided to make it a true vacation for me instead of just hanging out for a day or two we had 3 days with 1 for travel.
   Thursday morning came and Daddy was at my doorstep by 6:15am to pick me up so we could head to the airport. I had only had maybe 4 hours of sleep but I was so ready to go. The trip to Salt Lake was rather simple and easy minus one hiccup with a "stewardess" at the St. Paul, Minnesota gate who made me cry. I'll be blunt, she was a bitch and totally handled the situation concerning the 1" over height regulations of my bag in an unprofessional way. *Rant* there were plenty of people whose bag she should have also commandeered that she allowed on the plane......bitch*....I suppose you could say I'm still a little sore over that...however moving on!
   We arrived in Salt Lake in the early afternoon hours and it was beautiful! If I've ever seen mountains before it was nothing like this. I'll be honest I'm pretty sure I fell in love with the place. I couldn't get enough of the scenery, constantly scouring the windows for the sights of the mountains, the colors produced by the sights, and just the deepness of the sky. It seemed everything went on for miles...and somewhere down that road my mind ran free.
   We checked into our hotel which was more like an upscale apartment on the fifth floor in the corner of the building. Then we got back in the car and drove through the mountains. Between our ears popping, the static of the radio, and finding entertainment in going 84mph down a decline of 6%, I think Daddy and I managed to reconnect in more ways than one.
   That night Daddy gave me a maintenance spanking and being honest I wasn't thrilled with it, preferring to pout and take it personally. Daddy has been meaning to give me a punishment....and I always assume its with the belt which I can't stand, and I assumed that now that we were together he would chose to administer my punishment then. So of course I cried! I didn't want to get hit with the belt here...I didn't want it to slander my view of this beautiful place...and I completely over reacted. After telling Daddy what I was afraid of he told me that he had already planned on NOT punishing me here because this was going to be a beautiful time for us. I needed to stop assuming about what it was he was planning on doing or not doing and just enjoy myself. So I inserted my foot in my mouth.
   Sex that night was amazing as always ;) We hadn't been together like that in almost a month if not more...I honestly lose track after it's been so long. His cock was as hard as I had ever felt it. He decided to be funny and place it against my arm....it reaches from my elbow to just under my wrist....his cock is my lower arm!!! I love it. It had been awhile since I had tasted him in my mouth, and even though I'm still not the most enthusiastic blower I still enjoy having him in me in any way possible. I'll admit that I need to work on my responsiveness to sucking his cock as well as my mannerisms. It's not that I hate doing it..I know he gets great pleasure out of it and I love making him feel good. I think my mental state gets in the way of the majority of things. Maybe that will be the next thing I focus on more in order to present myself to him in situations in a more submissive manner.
   He pounded me hard that night his cock reacquainting itself with the curves of my pussy. Eagerly hitting as far back as humanly possible causing pain and making me scream and cum together. Daddy pulled out flipped me over and entered me again from behind taking me and owning me as he does best. Pounding me in a fit of rageful lust Daddy came in me and hard. I'm not sure if we had "neighbors", but if we did that got quite an earful.
   The next morning Daddy had a meeting to run off to and allowed me to sleep in for the first time in years. He told the housekeeping that I was still asleep so they wouldn't knock and wake me up. I was woken up to him tenderly kissing me on the head and rubbing my back telling me that I slept in till almost noon and that he had brought me coffee and two cheese danishes! I mumbled and rolled and latched onto his neck to snuggle with him a bit before actually getting up.
   After wards I got dressed while he dressed down and we were out on our adventure for the day. We were going to go see the Salt Flats! It was beautiful and yes, very salty! You could see for miles in the bright white that makes up the flats. The mountains were gorgeous and the sky a deep blue, mirages floating across the land made them look like they were out at sea. Daddy pulled me aside and asked me if I was happy with him. Of course I responded with yes. He seemed like he had more to say but someone pulled up and it seemed to make him falter. After we went to a cafe on the Flats and while waiting for dinner he again grabbed my hand and revisited the question of me being happy with him. Again I said yes. Yet AGAIN he faltered because our food showed up RIGHT that moment and conversion moved elsewhere.
   Once we were done he gave me the keys so I could go start the car while he went to use the bathroom. He walked out and got in and we sat there for a moment bellies full and just kind of taking in the moment. He grabbed my hand again and said something along the lines of:

I kept asking you if you were happy with me because I wanted to give you something as a promise. *Pulls out a little gold ring with an amethyst stone and 6 small diamonds (I think, I'm no jeweler but it's beautiful)* It's not an engagement ring, it's a promise ring that I want to go the same places you do in life and I want to do them together. I'm thinking within a year we move in together, a year after that we are married, and a year after that maybe having another child.

   Of course I accept it....and was thrilled....and went pretty much silent for while! I was shocked. Daddy asking me about my happiness with him is truly nothing new. He likes to "check in" every so often with how I feel about our relationship. I never thought he would make a move quite like this one. It was a wonderful moment, and I soon teased him about faltering on the Flats, but also told him he picked quite a beautiful place to make such a promise.
  The next two days went very similar. Sightseeing, enjoying each other, a wonderful time riding gondola's up the Wasatch Mountains, and in general just being us together. I'll admit BDSM as a whole wasn't extremely present on this trip, I still called him Daddy, I was still submissive to him, but I think this trip was more about us just being plain old us and enjoying it WITH our kinky side instead of choosing one over the other.

   I already miss our time there, I already miss the place. Sitting here at work I can hear the planes overhead and I wonder if they just came from that beautiful place. The place that holds a promise made to me.

 

A Moment

   Last week on Wednesday Daddy and I had been talking while we were both at work. Luckily we have the ability to keep in touch every so often while we are working. Communication is key, but I've learned that just because you are talking doesn't necessarily mean you are communicating.
   For some odd reason I seem to actually have trouble with communication. I used to think it was just because I didn't talk enough, but I've realized that that isn't the case. I talk plenty, but the depth of my conversation is shallow at best. The things that need to be said or known I usually keep to myself. It wasn't until this moment actually a week later that that has dawned on me. I need to give Daddy the complete depth of my communication, which includes the problems that communicating brings. Allowing him to see the darkest parts and allowing him to decide how to handle them.
   I suppose it falls under the whole "letting someone in" line that you often hear people talk about. They don't want to get hurt so it's hard to "let someone in." Being vulnerable sexually is one piece of the puzzle. You have to be vulnerable down to your core, your very soul, in order to let some one encapsulate you. It creates an odd feeling of being smothered and yet embraced, terrifying yet safe. My problem....I don't even want to face the darkest parts of me. I've pushed all of it down, I've locked it away, not only out of fear of it driving loved ones away, but out of fear that I couldn't handle what it is...whatever it is. Honestly anymore I'm not sure. Suppose I don't like what I find? What if it changes me...this me I've worked so hard to become? What if Daddy doesn't like it? What if he leaves?
   So all in all, though on the surface for so long everything was going great, there were small things that I kept to myself that I believe started that shift from good girl to...oh I dunno...backlashy smart mouth bitch. Had I just told him certain things it wouldn't have gotten so out of hand.
   Wednesday came and we chatted trying to slowly feel our way around what the issues were and correct them or better understand them. I got caught up at work and decided to leave early hoping Daddy could still a little time away as well. I called him and he was pleasantly surprised. Then I asked him for a maintenance spanking. I felt I needed one and that maybe it would help. Daddy was even more surprised, but of course obliged. I went to his job where we jumped in his car and went to the park where we had ended our first date-the place we first kissed as well. We got into the back seat and I laid across Daddy's lap while he "warmed me up." The spanking was much needed. It started off I'd say normal, and got a little harder, but I was able to handle it. I'm not sure if mindset plays a role in how you receive pain and such, but mine must have been in the perfect spot. Though it hurt and I winced I didn't feel the need to wiggle or cry out, I just accepted it and it felt like it was over all to soon. I didn't count them this time, and Daddy wasn't interested it seemed in how many times he did it. I believe he did it until he felt satisfied that that was enough which was good enough for me.
   Once he was done I flipped over and stayed laying on him while we talked some more. My ass radiating heat thanks to all the spanks it received. I asked him if he would play with me, and again he obliged. Allowing me to cum just using his hands, letting me release and let out the rest of my emotions. All to soon it was back to his job so we could go our separate ways again for the moment. Duty calling us again in different directions.

2 Questions & Answers

   Last Friday Daddy sent me a text after having me plug myself that he wanted me to answer. More so for referencing when I seem to be having a hard time of things. I answered quicker than he had anticipated, but luckily he thought my answers were beautiful. I don't feel like I answered enough, however I was attempting to be straightforward and not babble so much.

1) What does your submissiveness mean to you?

   My submissiveness is my vulnerability. It is my weakness, the holes in my wall that allow only the right kind of outsider to see in. My submissiveness is what could be considered me in the raw. I keep it covered simply because it would be something easily twisted, easily distorted, and easily used by the wrong people/person. It is something I've held closer to me in my life than I have anything else, it is also something I've never given anyone but you. 

   I think it is also something beautiful. It is the part of me that goes beyond doting, beyond lover, beyond servant, and truly beyond jealous psycho bitch. It is the best part of me that I can give. It is me encapsulated into one word, and it is given to "you" that allows me to bring out the best in you. I am there to serve you in not just what you need and require sexually, but in every way. Yes I'll admit I'm having ups and downs with it, but I also know that I'm finding my way through it with you guiding me. It is a new part of me that instead of keeping locked up I am now exploring. It is scary, it is beautiful, and it is the best gift I could possibly give.  

2) What does your Dominant's control mean to you?

   My Dom's control. It means that I have a leader, guidance, boundaries, and that I have someone who sees me for what I am, how I am, naked, raw, ugly, beautiful. It means I am a canvass to be painted, a block to be sculpted, a piece of work. It means I'm never alone, but that I also have a place. It means I have purpose, requirements and expectations to fulfill. It means punishments, it means hardships, and ugly truths that must be faced. It means putting myself out there and allowing the world to beat me up only to be caught by you. Your control, expectations, and requirements are not only to make your life easier, but to make me who I should be. 

   It means I'm loved. 

Babble

   Daddy has told me I need to blog more often even when there isn't necessarily something to blog about. I of course seem to have trouble with this....what do I talk about when I don't have a sense of direction? At least when we have had even the briefest of moments there is something to write about. When I don't have that I seem to just babble about nothing....then again maybe that nothing comes to something.
   The two of us have been off. So horribly off that instead of being like the attractive side of magnets we are the opposite sides, constantly repealing one another. Trying so hard to connect yet this invisible force pushes us backward. I keep trying to blame it on stress. There for about a week and a half to two weeks I was dealing with pain that basically took me out of life, and then this past week Daddy has been dealing with having shingles. Neither one of us...me more than Daddy...paid much attention to the things that needed to get done.
   Because of this "ocean" between us I've found that it's become harder to just be as it was. Daddy said last night in the beginning I had a driving force that really seemed to push me to be submissive and that lately I've been lacking that. I've also noticed that though he still dominates me and I follow his rules, he seems to be adrift from me and doesn't seem as present with me. Because of that my submissiveness has declined rapidly and I've just become this girl that does what she's told to do with walls up. We've discussed it and now we are both aware of where the other one is coming from and all things are understood.
    However, Daddy has asked me to ask other subs if they have ever gone through something similar and what steps were taken by them to rediscover their submissiveness? Was it something their Dom did that helped, or was it steps they took within themselves to bring it back? Any answers are appreciated in any form given.
   I suppose maybe I should just start back at square one. Seeing Daddy as he is, my Dom and I his sub. Maybe if I just focus on the things that drove us to this at the start then I will find that fire again. Also, Daddy stepping up and setting me straight more often than he has been may help. Sometimes I think that external "smack" back to reality is what helps the most.

Reset #2

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Attempting to reset

   Lately life has been difficult on Daddy and I both, thus the reason for the disappearance. Honestly, I can't say that I am for sure what caused it. Stress maybe? Life priorities that managed to get in the way of TTWD? Being ill or in pain from unknown causes? No matter what it was we have been slacking, missing, and apart in more ways than just physically.
   Saturday was finally us time again. Daddy's son was back at his moms, my daughter was being watched by my mom and it was time to try to reconnect. We both needed to reaffirm where we stood with just us.
   I arrived at Daddy's and found him sitting out back smoking a cigar and watching a show on his iPad. He seemed aloof to my presence, not really caring that I was there or not. I needed to shower and "get ready" because we had planned on going out to eat and then coming back to his house. I asked if he was going to shower with me and he said he would once he was done smoking and watching this show. I'll admit that made me feel...well not important. However, I kept my head on and said ok. Knowing that I needed to shave and how long I take in the shower I decided to wait a few minutes and then jump in on my own to get ahead a bit. Otherwise he is done and waiting on me to finish and I hate him having to wait on me like that.
   I start the water, plug my phone in and start playing one of my favorite play lists, strip down and jump in. The water feels refreshing and I get into a groove of humming and singing along with washing. I actually managed to get almost completely done with my shower before Daddy arrived! Hair washed and conditioner in place, body washed, body shaved, and was in the process of rinsing the conditioner when Daddy snuck in behind me. I'll admit, even with head under water and eyes closed I kinda thought he was there. Despite not touching me, I could feel him. So once I was done I turned around and there he stood in all of his glory.
   I washed Daddy...I love washing him. It may sound silly, but there is something in washing someone from the top of their head all the way down to the private parts and further to the toes that is an awesome feeling. I would compare it to washing your own child except that with a child it is for health reasons, and there is no sexual energy there. As small and vulnerable as a child is it is necessary, they can't do it yet themselves. When washing the person you love...getting to certain areas like a cock or an ass, being allowed to clean what can potential be the most uncomfortable places for someone, is an amazing feeling. Despite me being the sub, the vulnerable one, in that moment Daddy is (in my mind, he may not view it the same way), and he is allowing me to be in control of that for a moment.
   Once Daddy was all washed we stayed in the shower, him towering over me with me against the wall. We chatted, we rubbed each other, we kissed, we touched. Soon Daddy was slowly but with force pushing me down. Once I was seated on the floor of the shower looking up at him made me feel so small, but I wasn't scared. I knew what was coming, we had talked about it, and I had been anticipating it every other time since St. Louis that we had been in or near a shower together. Daddy is slowly but deliberately pulling on his cock, blocking the shower water from getting in my face, staring me in the eyes, and then I feel it. Daddy was pissing on me.
   He started on my left shoulder allowing it to run down in all of its warmth, and then moved over my breasts to my right shoulder. Going back and forth slowly, being careful to avoid my face, covering me as best he could. I'll admit it wasn't the horror story I was expecting it to be. It turned me on, and in its own way, calmed me. I thought I would feel demeaned, instead I felt owned. Afterwards Daddy helped me up and we switched places so I could rinse off before he gathered me in his arms and quietly said "I own you, you know that? You are mine."
   In that moment, the rest of the world melted away even if it was only briefly. We soon stepped out of the shower, and to the bed where Daddy decided to eat dessert before dinner. Yum....god I love it when he eats me out. Even though I can't seem to stay still it is the best feeling ever!
   Instead of going out, we ordered pizza and went to pick it up. Coming back to his house we ate and sat on the couch for a bit. Some of the other issues we had been having still seemed to linger even after the shower scene, and though I'll admit I soon forgot what caused the initial issue between us that night, we made it to the bed where we chatted while I laid across his lap.
   At one point I basically told Daddy to just fuck me, which sounds demanding, however it was the best way at the time for me to say what I was trying to say. And fuck me he did.
   His cock was so hard moving in and out of me that I came harder than I had in a long time. It felt so amazing to just have him inside of me, and pulverizing my pussy with his cock. It must have felt good to him to, because there was a few times he had to stop and breathe which made me feel great. Not only was I enjoying what he was doing, but so was he! When I came again coating his cock in my juices, he started cumming as well. We hadn't even made it to doggy style, which is Daddy's best and favorite way to come! All in all, it was amazing, and it allowed Daddy to let out some frustrations as well as put me in my place.
 
   Even still the rest of this week with us has been up and down. I've been having issues and I'm not sure what they are stemming from. It's not Daddy's fault nor is it his problem, but nonetheless its a problem. I'm feeling misunderstood a lot lately, or simply not important. Maybe it's because we haven't had as much us time as we were having, or maybe because in my vanilla world I'm dealing with more issues than I was previously. I did however tell Daddy that I know we will be fine. We will figure it all out and how to work it and eventually everything will come back to how it was, or maybe it will find a new better way to be. But in the end I'm still in it, I still want it, and I still want him. I will always want him.
   Daddy has been attempting to get me to plug everyday this week. I say attempting because there was an hour long failure the other day to embarrassing to even type out here >_< but needless to say, that day it didn't work out. He admitted to me yesterday that he wanted to take my ass again this weekend, and though I am yet again nervous, I can see no better way for him to assert what is rightfully and truthfully his.

Poem To Daddy

Now I set me at your feet

My Body, My Life, My Soul to keep,

To serve and use as you see fit,

Only to you will I submit.

Now I set me at your feet,

My Body, My Life, My Soul to keep,

To learn and be guided by only you,

Knowing you shall see me through.

Now I set me at your feet,

My Body, My Life, My Soul to keep,

Doing the best that I able,

Trusting you to keep me stable.

Now I set me at your feet,

My Body, My Life, My Soul to keep,

To serve and use as you see fit,

Only to you will I submit.

-M.C.

The Magic Switch?

   Daddy took my daughter and I to St. Louis over the weekend. It was wonderful! We all had so much fun and he managed to pull it all off beautifully. We left early Friday morning and made it to St. Louis a little after one. Daddy had a business meeting at two, so we got into our room where my daughter and I just relaxed on the bed and watched tv.

   Once he was back we got ready and we headed for downtown. I wanted to take my daughter to see the arch, and even though she is 3 she loved it. Daddy had never been inside the arch, so I treated us all and bought the tickets to go up. It was a beautiful day with only 20% chance of rain which from 630 feet in the air you could get a good idea where that 20% was at. We took loads of pictures and just enjoyed our time looking out over the beautiful city. 

   When we got back down and started walking back to the car it started raining on us! Of course we forgot to grab an umbrella so we all got soaked. However, honestly I've never minded the rain, and in fact enjoyed walking in it. I even went so far as to take off my flip flops, partially because my feet were killing me, to walk bare foot through downtown St. Louis getting drench by the rain. Yes I let my inner-hippie out, and I loved it! 

   Daddy wanted to take me to a restaurant that had real German schnitzels because I make chicken schnitzels at home. The restaurant was called Schlafly's, which apparently they make beer as well, and it was delicious. However, I must say they do not have sweet tea. I'm a southern girl and sweet tea is a must! So of course I emptied their bowl of sugar packets into my glasses of tea to get them close to right. God forbid the day I go to New York with Daddy. He is from New York and tells me there is no sweet tea up their either!!! 

   Even though it had been a wonderful day, I was acting off and acting out. I have recently quit smoking (cold turkey) and I was having trouble with my mood. Daddy kept telling me I wasn't addicted because I could go hours or almost a full day without a cig with no problems, but I think I was more addicted than either of us thought. I can't say that I was craving a cig, I was having issues coping with things. Whenever I needed to cope before I would go smoke, and that was for anything; happy, sad, mad, upset, stressed. It didn't matter, a cig was with me. 

   That night Daddy and I took a shower while my daughter cuddled in bed with her cru-cru aka blanket and we talked. He was upset with me and I was upset with myself and I broke down. Literally I sat in the bottom of the shower just crying. Standing over me Daddy placed his foot on my shoulder and pushed me back into the wall. It was different and a part of something we had discussed before flashed through my head. Instead of going into submissive mode (it is a "mode" right?) I went the complete other way. A week or two prior to this Daddy and I had discussed golden showers. I couldn't sit there and say I was opposed to the idea because I had never experienced it, but there is a part of me that is completely on the fence and almost ewww about the idea of it. But, I was that way about a few other things and now I love them. So, I didn't rule it out as a no...just something that would need to be decided after the experience. Daddy admitted he had thought about it, but wasn't sure of my stance so figured he would leave it alone. 

   So here he is standing over me, foot on shoulder, and he starts pulling a little at his cock. I'm still bawling and it dawns on me what he might be leading up to which causes me to think

Now, when I'm breaking down is not the time to piss on me!

So I tell Daddy that now isn't the best time to try that, and of course he gets upset. I'm still trying to control situations instead of letting him handle things. Instead of trusting that he knows best, I'm sidelining things in order for them to go like I think they should. Which of course then makes him question if I really want to do this.

   Is it this hard for others in the beginning? Is it a balancing act or is it literally just stopping? How do you go from complete submissive with your significant other to a mom or a co-worker or anything else for that matter that puts you in a power position, and then right back into sub mode? Is there a special switch inside of myself that I simply haven't found or figured out how to flip?
   I don't know how many times I have said I want this...I truly deeply want this, and I think I need it. But after so long of not having it, and going through everything I've gone through, it is just hard for me to stop doing the things I do. Maybe I just need put in my place more often, instead of being easy on me, I need constant supervision until I have the hang of it. Like a baby learning to walk. I need my hand held until I'm steady enough to let go. I honestly expected this to be easier than what it has been, however it is the one thing that I don't want to give up on. The idea of not having TTWD terrifies me, because now I know what it does for me, and I know deep down that that is exactly what I've needed.
   Today is a new day, and yet again tomorrow another. I can do better. I will do better. Despite the pitfalls and the hardships....I will be Daddy's girl.

                                                               .........................I have to be.....

 

Tolerance

  So I attempted to sleep with the buttplug in again last night, and again I couldn't manage to do it. I woke up about an hour and a half into my sleep with my ass just throbbing non-stop. Maybe sleeping while plugged isn't something my body is ready to accomplish yet. Which is funny, because I've gone almost a full 5 hours with it in my ass during the day without a single problem....who knows. I've also figured out that I can't wear it while I am driving, something about the way I sit makes it feel like my ass is on fire!!!
   I woke this morning and quickly got dressed and brushed my teeth. Daddy was skipping work today to get some errands done before our trip this weekend and I wanted to spend a little time with him. My coworker and I have a code when we are going to be late and potentially doing naughty things...we "let the horses out". No one seems to question that lol.
   Upon arriving at Daddy's house I let the dogs out and made coffee so it would be waiting for him. Then I went into his room in the hopes that I would get to wake up him like I did last time, but he was already awake. He quickly hopped back into bed and we snuggled a little and chatted while he managed to get his eyes more open. I kept giggling because when Daddy first wakes up he's like a lost caveman. His sleepy look could be a confused look, and rather than using words he tends to just grunt answers. I had already stripped naked, and soon I pulled off his boxers to allow his cock some air to breathe.
   I moved down and took him in my mouth getting him nice and slippery with my hand, slowly licking and sucking up and down his shaft. Now he grunted with small satisfaction! Once I got him all wet, I used my hand in unison with my mouth, considering I can't seem to deep throat with out vomiting everywhere this is the best I can give him for now. Plus who wants to be puked on first thing in the morning?
   Daddy soon felt awake enough and he sat up so we could chat a minute more while he stretched. He made note that we hadn't done punishments lately and there was one offense he still needed to punish me for. This put me off, majorly. I wasn't expecting a punishment this morning, and I certainly wasn't in the appropriate head space for it. I stood up and went to get his belt for him....that nasty evil belt. I brought it to the edge of the bed, got down, and unceremoniously handed it to him. He promptly told me to try again, so I re-situated myself took a deep breath and presented the belt to him in a much better way.
   He had me stand up and lay across the bed with ass out. This punishment was for not wearing make-up twice one week, something he obviously feels strongly about. Since I was a tad pressed for time he promised that this would be quick...he failed to mention that quick meant it would be a lot harder!! The next thing I know the belt cuts through the air and lands across my ass hard!!! So hard I instinctively arched up and for a moment I'll admit I refused to lay back down. I finally did, and one more landed across my ass harder than the first. It hurt so bad I was instantly pissed and too pissed off to really cry. So of course I stood up went to the closet and shut myself in the closet in a childish display of defiance.
   Daddy opened the door and took me to the bed and told me it would be quick, and proceeded to rub my ass. A welt had instantly appeared which he was rather fond of and he kept rubbing the edges of it. He asked me if I would forget again, and I said no Daddy I wouldn't. After rubbing and my ass was numb Daddy had me roll to my side and angle my ass toward him. He proceeded to fuck me and it felt wonderful! He was hitting all new areas that he normally doesn't hit. The down side, was it was a hard position to keep going. It also started hurting a little. So we flipped to one of Daddy's most favorite position. Doggy.
   I'm not sure if it was because the previous position was already starting to hurt or what, but doggy style was an extreme mix of pleasure and pain. I cried out it for both reasons and starting cumming repeatedly not sure of which feeling I was feeling more of. Daddy started to cum and in the same process started pounding me even harder. I yelled out more not sure if what I was feeling was more pain or more pleasure, however the orgasm that coursed through me told me either way there was apart of me that was loving it.
   When Daddy pulled out I curled up into a ball because the pain kept coming. I finally pinpointed what was wrong....Daddy fucked me into cramps!!! I'm not sure if that is something to be proud of, but he did seem amused when I told him that I thought he had broken me. Once the pain subsided some we got up and got dressed. I went and made him a cup of coffee to get the rest of his day started and then I left to go to work. All in all, despite my faults, it was a wonderful morning. But....it has brought some thoughts to light.

   I have a low pain tolerance, I knew it, Daddy knew it...everyone knows it. I stub my toe and I can tear up. I don't tend to act like a baby or boohoo with every hurt I seem to cause on myself, but it is very apparent that I don't handle pain well. This scares me because a big part of being a sub is, in the learning process, making mistakes and taking the punishments that go along with that. It is something that was agreed upon and something that I knew I would have to learn to handle. Despite that, I still seem to be unable to lay there, take a punishment, and remain collected. Crying goes along with it, I understand that. However, running away into a closet is not what was expected by either of us. (Although he admitted that after I left he sat there and laughed at it because of how childish I was acting)
   I hope I can learn to handle pain better if I can't seem to build up my tolerance for it. I want to do it for Daddy. I want to make him proud of me. I feel like I fail in a lot of areas...maybe one day. Maybe soon....time will tell I suppose.

Celebrations, Victories, and Lacking Grace

   Friday was the day!!! Daddy and I were going to celebrate our two year anniversary. I didn't have to work that day, so my daughter and I ran some errands while Daddy worked and then ran his own errands. I was told to be at his house at 6pm so we could go eat dinner and then have a full night dedicated to us and play time. I was so excited, but checking the clock repeatedly meant that time was moving slowly!!!
   Finally at 5:30pm I kissed my daughter on the head and told her I would see her tomorrow and to be a good girl while I was gone. I jumped into my car and off I went, sending Daddy a text saying "On my way!!!!" I arrived a little after 6 and was told he was running late, but make myself at home just don't unpack my overnight bag. Don't unpack?? Hrmmmmm, what does Daddy have up his sleeve? Oh boy...what Daddy had up his sleeve!!!
   I go get "dressed" up and apply make up. We were going out after all. He arrives a little after 7 and we head out to drop off his son. We get to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. He ordered my food which I am still getting used to. I can't seem to not say something because the waiter/tress always looks at me like they thing I'm dumb. I know that shouldn't matter, but it's a process and I'm doing better. I drank a green apple martini which was delicious even if it packed a punch!
   After the restaurant Daddy stopped by the liquor store and got some wine, and then got back on the highway. I had already figured out we weren't staying at his house, but he wouldn't tell me where we were going either. After about a 20 minute drive he finally stops at a hotel and tells me to wait in the car and he will come back to get me. Upon his return we get out of the car and grab the rest of the bags and head upstairs to the second floor. Standing outside the door, Daddy has me put my bags down and angles me to where once he opens the door I can see inside. As the door swung open the first sight that greets my eyes are rose petals everywhere! I was wowed, but I have a huge problem with receiving surprises and it isn't that I don't like them...apparently I just never react right. However, I was smiling and walked in and was just taking it all in. It was beautiful. He walked me to the bathroom and showed me the tub which was huge and full of water! Then walked me a little further back and showed me the bed all covered in rose petals with a bouquet and my anniversary present sitting on top of it. I was so overwhelmed and happy. So of course I don't manage to say much besides "wow, thank you daddy, its beautiful" with a few giggles in between.
   He opens up my drink and gets himself one and we just kinda take it all in, and then decide to get into the tub. We spent quite some time just in the tub, not really doing anything but laying on each other and just relaxing. Once we got out, I was order to suck his cock, which I didn't do nearly as well as the other day in the shower. I think having a full stomach and then activating your gag reflex isn't the wisest idea. However, I tried.
   Daddy has been telling me all week that he was taking my ass tonight. He's had me plug quite a few times during the week to stretch me out and "prepare me." Even though I swear my plug isn't even half his size. After sucking his cock it was time to "clean" me out. He had bought and enema and I was going to have to use it. Yikes...and ewwwww...and blah!!! I had never used one before, and the thought of all of "that" going down with me on the toilet while he is a small wall away was mortifying. But, it's what Daddy wanted...so I got on all fours on the floor, laid my face down and stuck my ass up. Daddy inserted the tip of the bottle and gave me an enema, with the instructions to hold it in until I couldn't any more.
   I won't go into details here...it was mortifying and horrible, and I had to do it 3 times total! But thankfully when that was over it was over.
   After that I came back out, cherry red and feeling disgusting honestly. Daddy was sitting on the couch, and I sucked his cock a little more. He transferred to the chair where I was told to mount him sitting backwards. Which then we switched, my head in the chair and ass up Daddy pounded my pussy. Then we went to the bed room.
   We got on the bed and Daddy brought some of his other toys with. Notably his big red plug. The one that's almost as big as he his. As he was fucking my pussy he was slowly trying to insert the red plug...and oh my god it hurt so bad. He managed to get it a little more than halfway before my ass just physically wouldn't take it anymore. So he pulled it back out, and played with me a little bit using his fingers and relaxing me. The next thing I know, more lube is going on my ass, and I feel something that doesn't quite feel like a plug. He tells me to watch him in the mirror, so I look up and he's towering above me, looking fierce, and tells me that he is going to take my ass.
   He pushes slowly, trying to let my ass accommodate his huge member. I'm not sure how far in he was, but I was in panic mode, and trying to tell him to stop. He just shushed me and calmed me down while still ever so slowly pushing into me. Suddenly he says "I'm in baby, I am in your ass!" and he is sliding in and out of me. He didn't "fuck" my ass, he took it easy on me. Trying to let me get used to it. Honestly I handled it horribly. The fullness just made me feel like I was about to go booboo all over him, and I couldn't tell my body that it wasn't that it was just how big Daddy was. He pulled out a couple of times to try to allow me to recompose myself. All in all he was being very understanding. The wonderful thing is each time he pulled out and went back in, he no longer hurt, it just felt like I was full to busting.
   He started going a little faster, and I was doing my best to just relax and take it....failing I might add, but I was trying. Then I hear his say something that still brings me to a smile...it's the way he said it, like magic was happening and he was left in awesome wonder..."I'm going to cum in your ass baby....I'm going to cum in your ass." And cum he did! Slowly, cumming, moving inside my ass as deep as he could go, not thrusting, but allowing his cock to fill my ass with all of his juices.
   I think back on it, and I become horny as hell....and honestly I want to try it again. Is that how I handled that moment? Hell no.
   As soon as he was done cumming, still inside of my ass, I'm laying on the bed, almost in tears, begging him to please let me go use the bathroom. I was SO sure that I was about to "release" and terrified to do it in front of him or worse ON him! He just kind of chuckled, pulled out, and said "go". I scrambled, damn near fell off the bed, and flew to the bathroom...to sit down...and have nothing happen.
   I suppose the more I get used to it...the better I will handle it, and I be able to decipher the pleasure of being fucked in the ass as opposed to focusing on potentially covering Daddy in that yucky stuff. Once I came back out of the bathroom, we cuddled under the covers and talked. Daddy said he was proud that I was able to give him my ass, and that I was now completely his. Him saying that made me feel so safe and content, and dumb for not letting my fears go and know he had everything handled. Lesson learned...again.
   It was a beautiful night, and one that I cherish so much. I can't wait for our next night together! Until then, the memory of it all will have to suffice!

2 Years and Counting

   Sunday, June 8, 2014 marked Daddy and I's two year anniversary! Mind you we've only been doing TTWD for about a month or so now, we had almost two years worth of a kinky vanilla relationship already down. Two years....I'm still amazed. I love the fact that despite the rough patches and differences we are still right here together, and adapting and changing together to suit each other. My love for him has grown immensely and I can honestly attribute it to allowing myself to open up to him even more. Thank you BDSM!    Before we started this journey, I had many times found myself holding myself back from Daddy. Fear of being hurt, of loving someone more than they loved me, of being fooled again, of being used (in a bad way), and of being misunderstood kept me at bay from truly opening up and giving myself to him. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I have always been my best defense, and after my last relationship I didn't want to ever let anyone hold that power over me again. Kinda funny that now I give him all the power over me, eh? Irony folks....I live in irony.
   Something about being his sub, of being His, allows me to drop my fears...maybe because it literally makes me face them. All I know is that I feel more free, more attached, and more in love with him now than I ever have with anyone, and it's refreshing.

   Saturday (June 7th) my daughter and I went to his house to spend the day with Daddy and his son. It was a lovely day spent together. I can't say we did anything exciting, we worked really. Daddy had some yard work that needed tending to, and I went outside to help him. I sprayed all the weeds with weed killer while Daddy mowed and weeded. Then I helped him with some of the bushes and we got all nice and sweaty dirty. (yuck!!!!) After all that was done we went inside and I immediately went to the shower. I honestly can not stand being hot and sweaty. My daughter and his son were in the living room watching tv and relaxing, so Daddy came back with me.
   It was the first time in what felt like forever for us to have a shower together!! Yay! I got the water ready while Daddy was piddling around. I know he tends to like me to get in a little before him since I require a lot more time in a shower than he does. So I stripped out of my nasty clothes and jumped in to start washing my hair. Soon I felt Daddy slide in behind me and he started running his hands over my back. I finished washing my hair and grabbed the body soap and quickly washed myself off. Then Daddy started trying to wash himself! I was mad, this was my job! So I started washing his hair and slightly massaging his neck. He melted for me, and I could see him relax. Soon I grabbed my loofa back and started washing him as well, running the loofa over him followed by my hand.
   I love washing Daddy, it seems almost like a beautiful ritual. Especially when I get to his cock. Daddy is uncircumcised! This requires more attention to detail than circumcised men, and I enjoy pulling back the skin and making sure I got into each and every crevice with my hands. He enjoyed it to because he became instantly hard. I felt myself smile as his breath quickened a little and I knew he was liking being washed by me. Soon I ran my other had down and found his balls and washed them gently as well.
   After getting him washed I started directing the water and rinsing him, his cock as hard as ever. We switched positions to where his back was against the wall and my back was getting hit by water, and I had a moment of hesitation. I wanted to suck his cock, I wanted it in my mouth, I wanted him owning me, any part of me, but I wasn't sure if I had permission. To make my hesitation stronger, there was a vibe going in the shower, and I knew if I stopped and asked I would ruin it. So I went with my gut and just got down on my knees, which hooray for me!! was the right choice!!!
   I grabbed his cock and started sucking it, using my hands and my mouth trying to do it better than last time. I was told to research how to give good blow jobs. After reading and watching I don't know how many different things, I've come to the conclusion that my problem isn't not knowing what to do, it's not wanting to choke, vomit, or spit. However, this time I wanted Daddy to feel really good, and I wanted to prove that I did what he asked. So I spit often, I licked up and down his shaft focusing on the sensitive areas with the tip of my tongue, I went under and sucked and licked his balls while pleasuring him with my hand, I did all I could think of to not be near as prudish as I had always been.
   Daddy of course reacted in many positive ways. I think the true test of everything was him grabbing my hair while his cock was in my mouth and fucking my mouth. Even though I still have a huge gag reflex he did it anyway, shoving it in as far as it could go until I could breathe anymore. Gagging often and vomiting a few times (luckily we were in the shower!!) he kept going. He'd pull out long enough for me to spit whatever was in my mouth out and his was right back in pushing as far as he could. It was dirty, but it was hot, and I could tell he was loving it.....and in some weird way I was to.
   At one point of him doing this, and me not being allowed to breathe thanks to his cock taking up all the room in my throat I started gasping and could catch my breath after he pulled out again. He picked me up off the shower floor and rinsed me off, turned me around and laid me against him. Once I started breathing a bit better he massaged my head, and then stuck my face in the water. After that I went back down, but I'll admit some of the momentum was gone, and the water had started to get cold!
   We got out of the shower and dried off and went directly to the bed. Daddy has been trying to teach me to hold back my orgasms until he says I can, so he is delighting in "testing" me. He played with me using his fingers and I could handle that ok....then he started eating me out and oh my god that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I think knowing I'm not allowed to cum made me want to cum so much more. That edge is a very fine line and without proper head control your body will jump over that line without a second thought. I somehow managed, but it involved a "Daddy, stop stop stop stop stop" other wise I wouldn't have made it.
   He of course thought it was funny and giggled, but told me I did good and he was impressed. Then he shoved his cock inside of me and I instantly needed to know if I could cum....there would be no holding this back and I was trying. He granted me permission and I came all over his cock a few times before we switched positions and I presented myself to him with ass in the air. He pounded me hard, but not hard enough to hurt. With two kids in the house and thin walls noise has to be kept to a minimum. Soon he came....and came....and came.... He apparently had a lot of build up! I was leaking him out until the next day!! It's a lovely feeling to be sitting there and suddenly feel a glob of cum slide out you staining your underwear with a sticky love blob.

   Tomorrow night I am spending the night with Daddy, and we are going to celebrate being together for 2 years. I know he is going to try to fuck me in the ass. I am both excited and terrified. I hope I can do it....I want him to be able to have and use all of me! Wish me luck!

Rough Patches

   I have been going through a few rough patches this last two weeks. Daddy has been understanding, but in a sense went through the with me. I had started feeling...how should I say...different, not my usual self, and decided to take a pregnancy test. You see, I have a Mirena, so technically I shouldn't have a "scare", but once you think something you have to know for sure. And god forbid, don't google about it, you will convince yourself of every living horror there could be.....so of course that's exactly what I did! Thus believing I was potentially with child, I made a doctor's appointment, and proceeded to ponder what the hell would happen if I was.
   Telling Daddy about it kind of created an internal battle within myself, more so than what I was already having. I know neither one of us are currently in a good position to bring any more kids into the world. However, I love babies and kids and I sooooooooo desperately want another one. So I was conflicted with this odd joy at the prospect, fear at the prospect (because a lot can go wrong with a Mirena inside of you if you get pregnant considering that it's supposed to "prevent" that from happening), and a slight anger at the prospect. So needless to say, I hopped onto the emotional roller coaster and took a few spins around the track, all the while leaving Daddy walking on eggshells.
   I wanted Daddy's honesty, yet honestly it upset me. He of course was the voice of reason:

We are in no position right now.

Think about your schooling? How would you do it then?

What about your career? All of your goals you want to accomplish before having another one?

   There was more, but that is the jist. However, I wasn't satisfied with that answer and instead of being submissive to his reasons, I wanted him to part-take in my "what-if" scenario. Which reluctantly he finally did.

What if I am? What is the next step?

I don't know...probably abortion.

   And right there I honestly felt disgusted, my heart dropped, and I wanted to cry. However, I knew I pried this out of him, and I knew that that was what he was gonna say. So how would it be fair of me to react negatively? I did my best to remain composed and not actually take it out on him. He could tell I was put off, and so he backed off a little from me.

   The week went on with me going through these odd ups and downs. I cried in Daddy's arms a few times, without really ever having a reason as to why. I just couldn't help it, I was stuck in a black hole of sorts. But Daddy was there, and he held me, and he listened to me ramble.
   I went to the doctors appointment and Daddy ended up showing up there and surprising me. It felt so good to have him there with me. It was sweet of him to take the time out of his day, and actually rushing because he had been out of town at a job site, to make sure he made it there to be with me. Also, he is extremely uncomfortable going to someone else's doctor's appointments, as he sees them as very private affairs. So the fact that he put that aside, and rushed to me, to be there with me no matter what was amazing. We sat in the waiting room and I just sniffed him, I love the way he smells.
   I'd like to think it all came back negative. They did a urine test which was negative, and just to make sure they took some blood as well. I was told that if the results were positive I would receive a phone call, and if it was negative I would get a letter. I haven't received either yet so that's basically gotta mean "You're a hypochondriac stop freaking" right? : p
   Honestly, I'm not sure what was going on with me, if my body was just going through some weird change like female bodies normally do or what, but I came to the conclusion that I no longer thought that I was pregnant. I was just frightened by signs and possibilities and then fixated on them to an extreme that I shouldn't have. My problem is I err on the side of caution...even when I shouldn't.
 
   Thanks to this emotional rough patch, Daddy kind of backed off of "Dom" mode, and I became testier. I still did a lot of the routine things, however I had more of a smart mouth. Something I know I will be paying for soon.
   Besides that the last few day's have been Daddy and I getting back into the swing of it.....there is other things I must get out...but they deserve a post all their own ;)

 

Sleeping While Plugged and Good Morning Blowjobs!

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Good Girl

   I was a good girl this last week! No punishments for me on Saturday, although technically he admitted he let one thing slide. I was still thankful that I didn't have to feel the leather of the belt across my ass.
   On Saturday my mother, daughter, and I went out shopping and running around having girl time. Because of this I wasn't paying attention like I was supposed to and my 3 hour contact limit was up and long past by the time I texted him. I honestly didn't think anything about it until I was finally at his house and he told me. Oops >_<! He gave me a fair warning and let it slide however.
   Instead of punishment he decided maintenance was in order, so we went to his room where I displayed my ass to him as I laid across his lap. By the time he was finished my cheeks were rosy, warm, and numb. I thanked him, and then started sucking his cock. After awhile he had me lay across the bed with my head hanging off so I could continue sucking him as he fucked my mouth and played with me to his liking. This was somewhat a first for me. I've been in the position before but I was the one who still did the moving. This time he was fucking my mouth which made his balls smack me in the face repeatedly. I wanted to laugh, but I managed to keep myself in check while he pleasured himself.
   Soon after he was inside of me fucking me so hard that it hurt and felt good at the same time. He had me pretzeled so I couldn't possibly get away, and despite the pain I came many times. He then flipped me over for a good old fashioned doggy style! He rammed me and stuck his entire length inside of me while I screamed and came all over his cock. I could tell he was getting close because he suddenly grabbed a hold of my hips and used my flesh as grips to pull himself into me harder and faster. I could hear our juices mixing together as he pounded into me while releasing himself, and with a victorious almost angry sigh he pulsated as hard as he could making me spew out all of our juices over his emptied cock.
   It was a wonderful night, both of us feeling happy and spent. I drove home to happily pass out! Luckily for me, my daughter decided that Sunday was a good day for sleeping in!

Mid-week mini-punish

   I had forgotten about this one. Silly me. While out with my mother and daughter last week my mom had (I assumed) order a dessert for my daughter. A small half scoop of ice cream and literally a tiny brownie bite. When the dessert got the table and my daughter's eye's lit up, my mom took a plate set the brownie on it and gave it to me. Apparently the brownie was for me, the ice cream for my daughter.
   I still haven't learned how to "ask for permission to eat bad food" in front of others, especially when placed on the spot like that. I told myself it was literally just a bite of brownie, and proceeded to eat it. Later when I talked to Daddy I told him about it and his reply was:

You didn't ask me if you could have a brownie, Pet. 

   Well no I didn't, but I didn't know how to stop and say "Hey Mom, thanks for thinking I would like this bite of brownie, hang on while I text my boyfriend who I now call Daddy because we've entered into a new dynamic in our relationship that you would view as archaic and disgusting, to ask permission to eat it!" I just don't think that would have played out well.
   So I was supposed to be punished for the brownie along with my Saturday punishment, but after taking the beating for my tone I think Daddy decided I had had enough. So at work on Thursday he asked me if I was busy, and strangely enough I wasn't. He had me grab a piece of paper, label each said "1" and "2" and write line like back in grade school!!!

"I will not eat bad foods without daddy's permission."

   How embarrassing!!!! And strangely effective, because once I was done I had no desire to disobey that rule again. With other punishments, though they are harsh and can be painful, there is a sweetness at the end of them. I get to lay in his arms, or feel him then take care of me, talk to me. With this all I was left with was a cramping hand and a dissatisfied sense of loneliness. He was across town at his job, and I was at my desk. There was no embrace, sweet kiss, nothing. Just a "Good Girl" text when I sent him the pictures to show him I did indeed write lines. 

   I suppose some punishments have to have no pleasure associated with them.....if not I might be a bad girl more often, but I really hope this doesn't become a thing. >_<

Maintenance, Punishments, and Filling Voids

   The last week has been full of busyness. So much so that I haven't had a moment to spare in order to sit down and write about it! How frustrating. I'm hoping I remember as much as I can so I can get it all down. I'm not sure why, but documenting it makes me feel centered.
   Let's start 6 days ago ending with my last post. I was in trouble and I knew it. However, after sitting at work and trying to focus that empty feeling started creeping back up on me. I was texting Daddy at the time and made him aware of it. He was responding well, but I wasn't feeling like he was helping me. I realize that I should just be happy with his attention and responses, but I felt like I was getting worse....and sadly desperate. I was practically begging for him to tell me to put the plug in, but I knew if I offered that option he would tell me no.
   He decided to come pick me up for lunch, figuring that that day would be a good day to start my maintenance. We went to the park and crawled interestingly into the backseat of the car. After me having a bit of a panic about being in "public" he decided that I could keep my pants up. I laid across his lap while he spanked me. It was nice laying there, the spanking helped put me back in the right mindset. I figured out I have to learn to trust in him more. I never realized how being the only one to have your own back made it hard to finally relinquish that power and trust someone else to have it for you. I kept having to look up fully expecting a crowd around the car pointing and staring at me getting spanked. It went on for about 30 minutes, him spanking me, us talking, spanking, talking...until finally it was just us talking. About then I had been away from work for almost an hour and we still hadn't had lunch. So we climbed back upfront and grabbed a quick bite before he dropped me back off.
   The downside is that empty feeling was still with me. Daddy ordered me to go to the bathroom and do 3 sets of 15 crunches. So, of course I did. After I got back to my desk he then said "good girl, now take the butt plug and go put it in, let me know when your finished." Now I feel like a dumbass. I was just in the bathroom doing crunches pretending I was doing other things in the bathroom. However, I still went and did it. In the end the day got better, but Saturday was still looming.

  Saturday I got to his house right at 8pm. We sat on the couch for a bit, and then I sat on the floor and folded his laundry. Considering he had traveled Friday and home Saturday and was leaving again Sunday to come back Monday I figured he might enjoy it. After I was done we decided it was time. Punishment was upon me.
  He took me to the spare room and had me strip my pants and panties off. Then up on the bed with ass in air. After he handcuffed my hands behind my back, and fluffed the bed around me making sure I could breathe well.

You know why your being punished right? 

 Yes, Daddy

You disrespected me, yelled at me, when you were told to gain control over your emotions. That is unacceptable Pet. So how should I punish you? How many lashes?

 I don't know, Daddy

I'm thinking 10 to start out with...

 Whatever you say, Daddy

   This is when I hear the belt cut through the air. I tighten up, scared and exhilarated all at the same time. The first one his my right side ass cheek, and I cringe as the sting shoots all over my body. The second on my left ass cheek, and its starting to feel worse. He proceeded to go back and forth like that and by the forth one I was bawling. I instinctively tried to move and and grabbed me and put me back in place telling me to stay put. 5,6,7 OWwwwwwww. He asks if I'm alright and I shake my head yes while trying to gasp out "y-y-y-yes, da-da-dad-daddy." 8,9,10...and I'm just buried as far into the bed as I can go.
   He takes off the cuffs, and has me in his arms in a matter of minutes, just letting me bury my face in his chest. He rubs my ass to lessen the sting, asking if I learned my lesson. I again stammer out a yes daddy, and then promptly thank him for my punishment. Once done, we go back in the living room and I start sucking his cock. My gag reflex is hypersensitive, and he usually makes me vomit, but I was enjoying making him jump and ohhh and ahhh.
   Apparently I did really good because he takes me right there on the couch, fucking me fast and hard. Soon we move it to the bed room where he plants me on the edge of the bed and starts eating me out. My oh my, Daddy's tongue is amazing. I cum repeatedly, squirting on his chest as he hums with satisfaction. Next thing I know he is sticking a finger up my ass and in my pussy as well while attacking my clit with his teeth and tongue, and I feel a wave build up inside of me that I simply cannot hold back. I cummed so hard and so long that by the end of it I was just making pure animalistic sounds. After that Daddy entered me again, and pounded me, using me as he and I both needed. His cumming inside of me was like icing on the cake, my final reward in this amazing moment between the two of us. It wasn't pretty, it wasn't clean, it was pure desire, dirty, and messy. I loved it.
   We laid on the bed after both breathing hard like we'd run a mile, sweat pouring off of us and basking in the fan's air flow. Then we snuggled and I so desperately wanted to sleep in his arms. But I had to drive home, and it was almost 2am by this point. So we got dressed and he walked me to my car, orders to text when I arrived home was given. By this point I am fully back in my place and wanting to please, so I texted him before I ever got out of my car once home.

   I've been on much better behavior so far this week, and haven't had a creepy empty feeling...yet. Can't say I won't, but it's going good so far!
   Can't wait to see what he has in store for us next. Our two year anniversary is coming around the corner and he said he already has plans in place. I have to spend the night.... *happy dance*