Meh

   Daddy appears to have caught a mild form of whatever it is I had. He ran a small fever for one night and the rest has been a small chest cold. I'm thankful that it wasn't as bad as mine, mine was simply horrible. Last night he took some Nyquil and was out until just past noon today! I slept in to along with him, but that means today has been go go go from the jump.
   I was talking to Daddy last night about learning how to deal with expectations. I've spent three years, almost 4, under the impression that we got sex whenever we had a chance. Because we did. If there was a moment where we could steal away we did. So coming here and moving in I was like "We can have sex whenever we want!!!!" However Daddy's version is, "Meh, we can get it whenever *Shrug*" It'e been a real eye opener to realize hes not quite the sex driven fiend that I am. Not that I love him any less, it's just something I wasn't expecting and am having to deal with and process. I had a million fantasies that all involved us fucking like rabbits, and instead I'm afraid we are just......normal, if that.
   Truly I'm not sure if there is a definitive number of times to have sex during the week, month, or year that classifies as normal. However, I feel like whatever the number maybe, we are below it. I suppose if asked how often I would like to have sex I would say at least once a week, but I'd aim for twice a week, but in between sex I would want us to play around and tease each other and stuff. Our play doesn't always have to = sex.

   Oh well, in the end it'll just have to be something I just deal with and get over. I'll be happy when I get it, and just keep myself busy in the meantime.

Little Things

   I've been sick since Friday afternoon!!!! I did my best for 2 1/2 days to pretend that I wasn't sick, but by Monday I couldn't pretend any longer. Went to a little walk in clinic and got some meds. I slept for 15 hours on Tuesday, got up long enough to eat dinner and show the family I was alive before going to bed with Daddy again that night. Wednesday I was feeling well enough again to go to work, and today I'm getting better. My voice comes and goes, but thankfully I am on the mend. Today also happens to be the first day in almost a week that I've gotten to wear my plug....which my ass quite literally sucked in happily!
   I keep thinking about little things about Daddy that I don't tell him. Not things he necessarily needs to know, but the ways I'm attracted to him. For some reason the past few weeks I've been noticing him more than usual. Not that I haven't noticed these things before, but they are having a more lasting impression on me lately.
  It's the little things. Like how goofy he is with the kids. Or when we are in the car and a song comes on that he likes and he starts singing and dancing and messing with me. I especially love the way his lips frame his mouth when he smiles and sings and plays around. I love his hands, big and rough and yet gentle. I adore listening to him speak Spanish though he doesn't do it often. I dunno....all these little things make up a million reasons why I love him and why I'm attracted to him, and strangely I don't think he has a clue about it.
   Then I have to wonder are there little things about me that he notices? I wonder, if there are, what they could be.

Punishment and Pleasure

   Yesterday was spent food shopping and cleaning the house. Which managed to get all done in one day for once rather than dragging it out all weekend long. Today is family day, going over to an aunt's for swimming and celebrating.
   Last night I took a shower. According to my Fitbit I did over 11,000 steps (which is a lot for me actually) so I was nasty. After my shower I was drying off when Daddy walked in. He grabbed me and laid me over the bed, feet still on the floor, and whispered in my ear that it was punishment time. Ugh...talk about dread. And I know for a fact I am a wuss. A big fat wuss. But I obliged and said "Yes, Daddy." Meanwhile I'm thinking "Oh shit this is gonna hurt...does he want me to count....he didn't say how many.....I have to try not to move.....no using my hands to block....what will he use....how many????"
   He asked me if I understood why I was being punished and I told him I did, and then to make sure he asked me what it was I had done to warrant the punishment. I briefly explained that it was because I lost control, punched a fridge, and yelled at him. He grabbed the riding crop and started in on me hard. The first couple I handled, but after that it was burning so bad I just busted out in tears. I moved a little, attempting to come upright rather than staying flat, but he easily pushed me back down. I lost count in my head and never knew when the last one was coming or what. It felt like eternity when it was probably 3 minutes (I said I'm a wuss). After he was done sat down on the bed and I kind of stangely laid across his lap while he held me and I cried. Pretty soon he pulled me up on the bed and cuddled me while I got composure and thanked him for the punishment. He asked if I've learned to control myself better, and I didn't feel like I could say yes, but I did say that I've been trying. Apparently that was just as good. Saying yes felt like I would have been lying.
    Then we got up and went back about the rest of the night. Watching some TV and getting the kids to bed. Once we get to bed we lay down and I'm grinning so bad...I know what's coming but I'm also not giving my hopes up. Daddy of course being Daddy says good night and pretends to go to sleep. I just laughed and said goodnight back which made him laugh as well.
    Pretty soon we were making out, pants flying off and with him fingering me. I was so ready to come that I started fucking his hand, his finger sliding from inside of me to my clit while I gyrated underneath him. I came hard, squirting as I did. I looked at him then and said we are gonna need a lot of towels, so I quickly hopped up and got them. I pulled my tits out of my shirt (Daddy finds being half dressed hot) and he started sucking my nipples while he climbed on top of me. His dick almost entering me, just sitting there teasing the hell out of me while he focused on my nipples. I was going insane with the feelings coursing through me when all of a sudden he just slid in quick and hard. Again I came soaking me, him, the towels...repeatedly. I could feel myself opening up, inviting him in further and further, and the orgasm coming in waves. He sat back not ready to cum yet calming down and I asked him for a small request. "Could you eat me out?" It had been so long, that I was wanting him in every way I could have him. He obliged and attacked my clit with his mouth almost evilly....and deliciously.  So his fingers were working my inside while his tongue worked my clit and I was coming again, squirting over Daddy's chest. Then I flipped over doggy style and he entered me from behind. One of our favorite positions. He can go so deep that way and it hurts but its so good. He rode me hard that way, fingering my clit while driving into me and soon we were both coming long and hard again.
   Afterwards we just laid beside one another, panting, sweating, and just letting the feelings wash over us. The ecstasy of release burning inside. I soon thanked him and we kissed while feeling very sluggish. Then rolled over and fell asleep.

   I loved to say it was the best sleep I've had in weeks, but I'm fighting a cold that's making me cough nonstop so I was constantly waking up and having to go pee. But, the sleep I did get was amazing. Even if it was short. Now it's time to get ready to go have a fun family day. Happy Memorial Day to those celebrating!!!

Fucked up, Pending Punishment, Doing my Best...

   It's been a rough time this week and parts of last for me. Well, that's not entirely true. It's been a very testing time. That sounds more right.
   Daddy and I last had sex on the 12th. You see I have the Mirena for birth control, and mine "expired" on the 13th. My appt for my new one wasn't until the 18th, so we used our last day of covered protection. It just so happened that the 18th and the 19th Daddy was out of town as well. From experience I know the Mirena will cause me to bleed off and on for a few months after the initial insertion. So I've been bummed, but dealing with it. Surprisingly I've stopped bleeding and am now only experience random spotting.
   Last Saturday I lost control. I was feeling over whelmed with chores, life, and the fact that I'm beyond horny and he hasn't so much as touched me sexually since the 12th that I blew up.....at Daddy. So bad so that I punched the fridge. (Bad right??) Afterwards, when I had calmed down and knowing I fucked up, I quietly said to Daddy that I didn't know how to fix what I had done. He told me to insert the plug and then come back out. I'm still using the new bigger plug, and because I was so worked up it hurt going in, but I didn't want to waste time trying to ease it in so I pushed through it. We talked and sorted through the current issues I was having, but it was more a matter of sweeping it under the rug. We went on about the day, going shopping, and even going for a walk (even with the plug still inside but starting to ache something fierce).
   I don't remember which night it was, but Daddy told me that I was going to be punished for my loss of control, and also because I didn't wear make up twice last week. So now I am wondering if everyday is punishment day, but still so far nothing. I asked him the other night if I just wasn't good enough or sexy enough or wanting enough because he still hasn't made a move towards me sexually. I was starting to take it personally that I just wasn't....enough. He hasn't even been doing maintenance like he stated he would. What else was I to think? (I know I should know better, but my head really fucks me up.)
   Every day this week I've started asking him "what can I do to be pleasing today." Because I am truly trying to settle into my submissiveness rather than my defenses. Usually me being pleasing to him seems to involve plugging my ass, no matter if I'm at work, at home....anywhere. And I'm quite happy to oblige. I love being plugged, and I love knowing that I'm plugged for him so he can have my ass when he wants. Today me being pleasing was plugging my ass and blogging about the few things we've talked about this week.
   Two nights ago I asked Daddy if he was going to take a shower before bed, and he said no he would take one in the morning. I said "oh, ok." He asked me why, and I told him that because if he takes a shower then there is a chance....(me thinking sex, him thinking blowjob apparently) So he takes a quick shower, but I am definitely NOT giving my hopes up. He crawls into bed and we chat. No moves were made so we said good night and I rolled over, to which he goes "Guess there really isn't a chance huh." After I ask what he tells me he thought I was going to give him a blowjob and I said I oh I meant sex, but if he would like a blow job I was more than willing. He says yes (duh who wouldn't) and I proceed to give him a blowjob. I'm not sure what made this one any different that any of my others, but even I could tell I was doing it better. I felt more confident doing it, and was actually enjoying it....like a lot. After he came I kept suckling him, licking him, kissing him, riding his cock all the way down, and once he was soft again I kissed him on his head and rolled back over to my side.
   Last night we were talking and he let me in on the fact that him not doing anything sexual to me was my punishment for not wearing make up. I asked him if he could clue me in next time because if I at least know its for a punishment then the feelings that I am feeling can be directed to a "why". Otherwise I feel it personally and simply just don't get it. He spanked me after I said he hasn't even given me maintenance (he says I basically demanded it but I disagree). It hurt and was stingy, and then my ass warmed up and even though it hurt and still stung it felt good to. I wanted him to keep going, but he quit!!
    I also told him I sensed a pattern in myself. That goes something like: We have sex ----I get horny-----I get frustrated-----I blow up over small things and get out of control-----I feel guilty for blowing up-----I dive deeper into submission-----we have sex------repeat. He said I should dive into submission all the time, which I agreed. Now that I know my pattern I can work on fixing it, and bettering myself for him. He grabbed my hand to his cock which was almost fully hard and said "See I'm torturing myself to, all to punish you."
   That got me to thinking. If this is my punishment and I'm bearing it, then he should suffer as well. So I pulled his boxers off of him, and sucked his cock again. I was enjoying it so much I almost came when he did. I was truly lost in him. The night before when he came I had started going faster trying to simulate sex, last night I attempted to slow down as he came, trying to make him ride the waves of his orgasm. I was so lost in it that when I finally stopped I realized that I was on the edge of cumming. I stopped myself as hard as it was....I'm in punishment after all. Again I sucked him until he was soft, kissed his head, and rolled over to my spot. Soon he was snoring, which me in a horny blaze tossed and turned, had weird sex dreams, woke up, tossed and turned some more. I finally fell asleep though I have no idea what time it was.

   Today all I can focus on is wanting to suck his cock again, the plug in my ass, and the fact that I am forcing my legs to stay open. I'm so horny that I'm positive if I rubbed my jeans the right way I'll be cumming in no time. I feel like I'm going crazy and it's taking every ounce of self restraint I have to not do something about it!!!! I'm not sure how long this will go on.....but I hope Daddy sees that I am doing my best.

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Chugging Along

   I really want to be one of those people who blogs more often than once in a blue moon!! However, it's hard for me to seem to find time. Oh well, I will eventually get there.
   Daddy and I are still taking things slowly, but definitely dabbling in things here and there. Lots and lots of talking and checking in with each other. Mentally I am being more active in my submission. Trying to make sure I'm not losing control over myself, which is sometimes harder for me than I thought. I've been looking up books to read on kindle. I've found lists of what I am assuming is reputable books and downloaded a couple of them. I've found a lot of them say extremely similar things, most of which I've learned through reading blogs online and looking things up. I still like to read things though. You never know what interesting snippet you'll find.
   Recently I ordered some new butt plugs and a crop with Daddy's instructions. Daddy has tried the crop out on me and ohhhhh my goodness, I'm in love! The plugs that I got are a set of three (S,M,L) with a baby blue jewel on the end of them. They are a definite step up from the plug that I've had, not as heavy, and instead of silicone they are stainless steel. The small one is to small for me, but the medium one is bigger than the plug I had been using. Daddy put the medium one in me on Sunday this last week. Holy ass fire!!! Daddy slid it in slowly, but when it was at the peak point where it's the biggest part of the bulb I was like ow ow ow and Daddy said kept saying relax relax relax and just popped it the rest of the way in!!! I sat up straight! I just sat there holding myself up and breathing letting the waves of pain wash through me and waiting for them to calm down. After a minute or two I was fine and then I started enjoying myself more. This plug being bigger I could feel better, but being lighter made it easier to wear. With my old one I could manage to wear it for maybe 2-3 hours. This new plug I've worn up to almost 5 hours. I love the coolness of the steel as it first goes in to.
   There are a few reasons for the plugs. One being Daddy considers anal a prize. I'm not sure if he would want to do anal frequently, but I know that he absolutely wants to do it more often than we currently do..(once in four years).. The next reason is because I am completely curious about how anal can be pleasurable. A lot of my fantasies for years have always included anal in them, despite the fact that I don't do it. The thought of anal helps me get off when I'm masturbating....I can only imagine how intense the orgasm would be if I was actually having anal! The third reason is I want to feel like I've accomplished something. For some reason anal has turned into a hurdle for me, and it's one that I would like to conquer. I feel like afterwards Daddy would be so proud of me, and I want to feel his pride.

Resurgence

   It's been quite a while since I've been here, and a lot has changed in that time. However, I am back and I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. It appears I'll need to be updating a few things as well. Maybe along with my resurgence here I'll update the look of it to.
   To go back and explain why there was a year and a half of a disappearance...well honestly it boils down to I flipped and flopped over what it was I "thought" I wanted. I last blogged in October of 2014, and even then I was feeling defiant and not happy. I felt that maybe I wasn't submissive at all because I was constantly undermining and making things try to go my way. I felt like maybe Daddy wasn't up to being in control and that I had to make sure he stayed on track. Basically I didn't give up control and by May of 2015 I told Daddy I wanted to quit. I said I wasn't happy and this wasn't working. He told me then I had to quit turning his world upside down and make up my mind, so we mutually walked away from D/s and decided to just be *kinky* in the bedroom.
   I completely turned my back and decided not to look back. I quit reading the blogs I was so engrossed with and we turned into a vanilla couple with a kink. Somethings stayed around, I still served his meals to him, I still referred to him as Daddy, but in all things we were equal. As time went on I started really questioning myself and trying to figure out why I wanted it so bad in the beginning and then was so willing to walk away from it. I started trying to view things differently, because a part of me kept getting drawn back to the D/s world. I slowly started reading blogs again and I dunno how to explain it, but something was pulling me back. I fought with myself for quite awhile trying to figure it all out before ever mentioning it to Daddy. I didn't want to flip flop on him again unless I felt sure...like really sure. While looking back I saw that as much as I wanted to be submissive I didn't trust Daddy enough to be a Dom like I thought he should be. I didn't respect him enough to go at it how he wanted. I wanted him to be what I wanted. Because we were both new, but I brought it up I felt like it was up to me to lead and show him how. Looking back he was doing fine on his own, it just wasn't what I was expecting at the time. So I topped often and in the end tore everything apart.
   After realizing the problem was entirely me and that I actually still wanted it I decided to approach Daddy and see what he thought of it. In the meantime of all of this we had actually finally moved in together and our lives were evening out more than they had ever been. I slowly brought it up to him, asking him questions like "Do you miss D/s" "Did you actually like it" etc etc. He admitted that he missed it and that he loved it but didn't say much more than that. So finally I brought it up to him. I admitted my faults and told him everything I realized. We decided to try again, but slower than jumping in and drowning. Daddy's only concern was what if I realize I don't like it again and try to stop...to which I responded "As my Dom you just don't let me do that." He thought that was kind of funny.
   It has been slower, but things are definitely getting on track easier this time. Not to say there aren't hiccups, but I find it a lot simpler now to remember my place, even when I want to be in control and defiant. I've also found a new love in maintenance and pain in general. Though I am a wimp, and I can't handle the hard hard stuff yet, I can handle what he doles out to me, and my body responds with great pleasure.
   I'm happy to be back, but more so happy that I feel like I've matured enough to handle this on his terms. I give him ideas and let him know something I would like, but I'm content with it being up to him to engage in those things or not. I feel better having a place in our family setting, and as hard as it is to let go of the control I trust that he will be there to take the reigns.