Once he was back we got ready and we headed for downtown. I wanted to take my daughter to see the arch, and even though she is 3 she loved it. Daddy had never been inside the arch, so I treated us all and bought the tickets to go up. It was a beautiful day with only 20% chance of rain which from 630 feet in the air you could get a good idea where that 20% was at. We took loads of pictures and just enjoyed our time looking out over the beautiful city.
When we got back down and started walking back to the car it started raining on us! Of course we forgot to grab an umbrella so we all got soaked. However, honestly I've never minded the rain, and in fact enjoyed walking in it. I even went so far as to take off my flip flops, partially because my feet were killing me, to walk bare foot through downtown St. Louis getting drench by the rain. Yes I let my inner-hippie out, and I loved it!
Daddy wanted to take me to a restaurant that had real German schnitzels because I make chicken schnitzels at home. The restaurant was called Schlafly's, which apparently they make beer as well, and it was delicious. However, I must say they do not have sweet tea. I'm a southern girl and sweet tea is a must! So of course I emptied their bowl of sugar packets into my glasses of tea to get them close to right. God forbid the day I go to New York with Daddy. He is from New York and tells me there is no sweet tea up their either!!!
Even though it had been a wonderful day, I was acting off and acting out. I have recently quit smoking (cold turkey) and I was having trouble with my mood. Daddy kept telling me I wasn't addicted because I could go hours or almost a full day without a cig with no problems, but I think I was more addicted than either of us thought. I can't say that I was craving a cig, I was having issues coping with things. Whenever I needed to cope before I would go smoke, and that was for anything; happy, sad, mad, upset, stressed. It didn't matter, a cig was with me.
That night Daddy and I took a shower while my daughter cuddled in bed with her cru-cru aka blanket and we talked. He was upset with me and I was upset with myself and I broke down. Literally I sat in the bottom of the shower just crying. Standing over me Daddy placed his foot on my shoulder and pushed me back into the wall. It was different and a part of something we had discussed before flashed through my head. Instead of going into submissive mode (it is a "mode" right?) I went the complete other way. A week or two prior to this Daddy and I had discussed golden showers. I couldn't sit there and say I was opposed to the idea because I had never experienced it, but there is a part of me that is completely on the fence and almost ewww about the idea of it. But, I was that way about a few other things and now I love them. So, I didn't rule it out as a no...just something that would need to be decided after the experience. Daddy admitted he had thought about it, but wasn't sure of my stance so figured he would leave it alone.
So here he is standing over me, foot on shoulder, and he starts pulling a little at his cock. I'm still bawling and it dawns on me what he might be leading up to which causes me to think
Now, when I'm breaking down is not the time to piss on me!So I tell Daddy that now isn't the best time to try that, and of course he gets upset. I'm still trying to control situations instead of letting him handle things. Instead of trusting that he knows best, I'm sidelining things in order for them to go like I think they should. Which of course then makes him question if I really want to do this.
Is it this hard for others in the beginning? Is it a balancing act or is it literally just stopping? How do you go from complete submissive with your significant other to a mom or a co-worker or anything else for that matter that puts you in a power position, and then right back into sub mode? Is there a special switch inside of myself that I simply haven't found or figured out how to flip?
I don't know how many times I have said I want this...I truly deeply want this, and I think I need it. But after so long of not having it, and going through everything I've gone through, it is just hard for me to stop doing the things I do. Maybe I just need put in my place more often, instead of being easy on me, I need constant supervision until I have the hang of it. Like a baby learning to walk. I need my hand held until I'm steady enough to let go. I honestly expected this to be easier than what it has been, however it is the one thing that I don't want to give up on. The idea of not having TTWD terrifies me, because now I know what it does for me, and I know deep down that that is exactly what I've needed.
Today is a new day, and yet again tomorrow another. I can do better. I will do better. Despite the pitfalls and the hardships....I will be Daddy's girl.
.........................I have to be.....
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